Old and New Jokes

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?

There this man who every half a hour goes outside and checks his mailbox, dont c anythink and starts booing. the guy next door say what u doing hes say my stupid computer keeps on saying ive got mail…

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35, was the reply. Im actually 47, the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, Oh you look about 29? I am actually

47. That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a womans age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the woman thought, What the hell, and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, Ok, You are 47.

Stunned the woman said, That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old man replied, I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Milwalkee and goes to the bartender, Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!

And the bartender is like Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here! And the man is like But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!!

See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!

And the bartender says Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!

And the man replies No, you dont understand, Chunks is my dog!

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

Dont leave me here to die alone here! the old man said, when the day finally came.

Now dad, said the son, we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. Ill visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. Youve got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the foods terrible, and Im so alone!

Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if its really that bad, well have to work something out.

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old mans surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. Son, this is one great place youve found for me! The foods great, the company is excellent, and Ive never been happier!

Thats great news, Dad, I hoped youd come to like the place once youd given it a chance.

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, Son, Son, youve got to get me out of this place! Right Now!

But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, Ive got to run over there and get you?

Son, you dont understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

[Ed: To appreciate this one, you have to be familiar with the standard
puzzles of this type.]

From rec.puzzles:

In article <5522@uwm.edu> bnk@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Bob N Keenan) writes:

Scene: There is a dead man in a garage surrounded by 51
bicycles and an overturned table. What happened?

Answer: The bicycles were playing cards and a fight ensued after
cheating was discovered. ]

[ Solicitation for other Puzzlers ]

Other classics:

Scene: A man is found dead in a locked room in a puddle of water.

Answer: The poor guy died of starvation; the room was locked, right?
The water? Oh, the roof leaked.

Scene: A man gets out of bed, and kills himself.

Answer: The man was a midget for the circus, and had just gotten fed
up with his bleak and demeaning lifestyle.

Scene: There is a dead man in a cage surrounded by 51 cats, an
overturned table, and an empty gun. What happened?

Answer: A depressed midget switched blanks for the live ammo in
the lion tamers gun.

Scene: A man goes into a restaurant and orders some albatross. After
some delay, the food arrives. He takes a taste, and then
kills himself. Why?

Answer: Obviously a whacko. I mean, who orders ALBATROSS in a
restaurant? I say, good riddance to bad garbage!

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guys eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding — moreso now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostrate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. On a followup visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sportscar, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. "No, Ive always taken a 15-inch neck.""But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.""Listen — Im 45 years old, and for the past 30 years Ive taken a 15-inch neck.""Okay, Ill do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?""What?""It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

Están los niños tomando tranquilamente la clase cuando, de pronto, grita Jaimito:

¡Maestra, maestra, quiero hacer pipí!

La profesora le reprende:

No se dice así, Jaimito, se dice quiero hacer del uno.

Más tarde, Juanita empieza:

¡Maestra, maestra, quiero hacer popó!

La educadora la corrige:

No se dice así, Juanita, se dice quiero hacer del dos.

En ese momento Pepito interviene:

¡Maestra, maestra, deme un número que me quiero tirar un pedo!