After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselors office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
What seems to be the problem?
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!
The husband scratched his head and replied…
I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
There were 3 guys on this island. They find a magic lamp and rub it. The Genie Comes out and says Ill grant you each one wish, so the first guy says I want to go home to my wife and my kids. So he goes back home. The second guy says well I also would like to go home to my wife and kids. So he goes back home. The third guy says well Im not really sure. 20 minutes later he comes back and says I know what I want! I want my 2 friends back!
There is never time to do it right, but theres always time to do it over.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
one day a travel merchant looks out his window and sees an old lady and old man schlepping bags of shopping in the rain.the merchant feels sorry for them and thinks ill do my mitzvah of the day and give the couple some tickets to barbados.
so he gives them their free tickets and they go on their cruise to barbados.
next week the old lady comes in and says to the merchant thankyou for the free ticket,i really enjoyed myself.just one thing though.whos the old man?
This little boy asked his aunt what bun in the oven means. The aunt is trying to explain to him what it means. She says, the baby cooks in there. The little boy then says, Why dont you just take the baby out and nuke it?
After hearing the Christmas story, and singing Silent Night a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasnt sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, Oh, thats Round John Virgin.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to
the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in
its ears so he
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she
wanted to keep
this from reoccurring she should go to the store and
get some Nair
hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a
month.The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair
hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her: If youre going
to use this
under your arms dont use deodorant for a few days.The lady says: Im not using it under my arms.The druggist says: If youre using it on your legs
dont shave for a
couple of days.The lady says: Im not using it on my legs either; if
you must know,
Im! using it on my schnauzer.The druggist says: Stay off your bicycle for a week.
Did you hear about the blonde who…
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called Sanka because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the Vacant sign up?
was an M. D. – Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didnt have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, YO! Keep it down!
Wanderin eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin reindeer!
Wit slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
Wit a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me side da head.
What da hell you doin
Pullin a gun on da Don?
Now all youre gettin is coal,
You friggin moron!
Den pointin a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
Merry Friggin Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!