Old and New Jokes

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. America, the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, Shes not from the States.

Yes, I am. said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, Is he your husband?

Yes, she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered…. Ill give you 100 camels for her. The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, Shes not for sale.

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how Id get 100 camels back home.

You might be a redneck if…
You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

A pilot and his four passengers were on an airplane that was about to crash. The four passengers were Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton, a hippie, and old man. Unfortunately, there were only four parachutes on the plane.

The pilot yelled, Im the pilot! and jumped off with one of the parachutes.

Michael Jordan said, Im the worlds greatest athlete! and jumped off with another parachute.

Bill Clinton said, I am the worlds smartest man! and jumped out of the plane. This left the hippie and the old man alone in the rapidly-descending airplane.

Im old, said the old man, so you can have the last parachute.

Nah, thats okay, man, the hippie said. The worlds smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.

Little Tommy was a smart little boy.

Little Tommy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

Tommy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?

None., replied Tommy. cause the rest would fly away.

Well, the answer is four, said the teacher. But I like the way you are thinking.

Little Tommy then said, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?

No, said Little Tommy, the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

(I hope these arent too offensive. Perhaps they should be encrypted?)

(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set
of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in
a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered
to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his
companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first
meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with
his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

Whats the definition of a shame (as in, thats a shame)?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a crying shame?

When there was an empty seat.

Cosas que uno no quiere escuchar durante una cirugía:

1. ¡Mierda! ¿qué es eso?

2. ¡Oh, maestro de la maldad, acepta este sacrificio en tu nombre para honrarte!

3. ¿A que te refieres que no estaba aquí para un cambio de sexo?

4. ¿Donde está el cerebro del paciente?

5. Pasame esa… esa… esa cosa brillante.

6. ¡OOOPPPPSSS! ¿alguien a sobrevivido 5000 ML de esta cosa?

7. ¿Olvidaste para qué estaba aquí el paciente? Bueno, vamos a sorprenderlo.

8. ¿Se supone que eso debe estar moviéndose? Porque parece que está haciendo que el paciente se ponga verde.

9. ¿En donde deje mi escarpelo?

10. ¿Que pasa si saco esto de aquí?

11. ¿Que es ese ruido? ¿Debería sonar así o no?

12. Eso fue sorprendente, ¿puedes hacer que mueva la otra pierna?

13. Y ahora ponemos el cerebro del mono al paciente.

Un matrimonio está desayunando en la cocina, cuando el marido le agarra el trasero a la esposa y le dice:

Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitarías esos calzones levanta poto.

Ella, bordeando la ira, se queda callada.

Al día siguiente estaban en la misma situación, cuando esta vez él le agarra una pechuga y le dice:

Si las tuvieras más firmes no necesitarías usar sostén.

Entonces, ella calmadamente le agarra el pene y le dice:

Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitaría al jardinero, al cartero, el lechero y a tu hermano…

Q:There are two patatos sitting on the cornerof a street, how can you tell which ones the prositute?





A: the one with the sticker on it that says IDAHO!

Dave and his wife were laying in bed when Dave decided that he was going to go fishing. He then informed his wife that he was going to give her three options for her day. 1 was that she was going to go fishing. 2 was that she was going to give him a blow job. 3 was that she was going to screw him. He told her that he was going outside to load the boat, and would be back in 10 minutes.

Sure enough, 10 minutes passed and he returned. Dave asked his wife what her decision was. She replied that she did not want to go fishing. She then said that she did not want to screw him, so a blow job it was.



She began and lasted about three seconds when she came up spitting, and replied that his dick tasted like shit. Daves response was, Yeah I know, the dog didnt want to go either.