Its forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, You owe me quite a bit on your tab.
Sorry, says Pat, Im flat broke this week.
Thats okay, says the bartender.
Ill just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.
But, says Pat, I dont want any of my friends to see that.
They wont, says the bartender.
Ill just hang your parka over it until its paid.
Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y después en la cara y después en el torso, y después en la espalda… El marido, cansado de oir tanto Psssss Pssss le dice: Maria, ¿y el agujero de ozono? ¡Ah! ¡sÃ! se me olvidaba. Pssssss…
Un nuevo rico habÃa enviado a su hijo pequeño a Viena para que le enseñaran a tocar el violÃn.
Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos años, le pide a un amigo melómano que lo escuche y dé su opinión. Asà lo hacen y después de que el niño ha tocado el violÃn, el padre pregunta al amigo:
¿Qué te parece la ejecución?
Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas serÃan suficiente.
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women dont?
A: A bellybutton!
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.
The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, I built a big house for our mother. The second said, I sent her a Lexus with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
Milton, she wrote one son, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!
Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.
Jewish mama: Do you want some pudding/desert? Ive got some strudel and some cheescake.
Son: Ill have some cheesecake please.
Jewish mama: So whats wrong with the strudel?
By all the Big Wheels parked on his front lawn!
Va kim Bassinger a confesarse y el cura en cuanto la ve se pone nervioso:
Ave marÃa purÃsima.
Sin pecado concebida.
Mire padre que tengo unas dudas.
Dime, hija mia, cuéntame.
Padre: ¿con esta cara puedo ser virgen?
Ejem… pues claro hija mÃa.
En eso Kim se quita la blusa, se baja el sujetador, se agarra las tetas y dice: ¿Y con estas tetas? ¿puedo ser virgen padre?
El cura muy empalmado ya dice: Pues claro que sà hija mÃa, claro que puedes.
Kim se quita los pantalones, se baja las braguitas, le enseña el chichi y le dice: ¿Y con este chichi? ¿puedo ser virgen?
El cura ya no puede más y se sale del confesionario y se pone de rodillas ante el altar y empieza a rezar: Padre altÃsimo, se que la carne nos está prohibida pero, por favor, me está faltando la fe Señor, dame una señal para seguir creyendo…
En esto que se oyen unos golpes fortÃsimos de frente; el cura mira el cristo cruficado golpeándose contra la pared y gritando: QUITAME LOS CLAVOS JODER, QUITAME LOS CLAVOOOOS!!!
Tuesdays Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of
JFK airports International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some
interesting ideas on how to clean it up:
In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphols urinals would pass inspection in an
operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that
each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black
outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
It improves the aim, says Aad Kieboom. If a man sees a fly, he aims at
it. Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphols own building expansion.
His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce
spillage by 80%.
We will put flies in the urinals — yes, Jan Jansen says in a back office
at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as
of noon today. It gives a guy something to think about. Thats the
perfect example of process control.
His New York public relations attendant titters. Fine, laugh at me, Mr.
Jansen says. It works.