Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.

Q: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.

AS THEY GET OLD…

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.

– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.

– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

– Old students never die, they just get degraded.

– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.

– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

I think of you as a sister.
(Youre ugly.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(Youre ugly.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(Youre ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(Youre ugly.)
Ive got a girlfriend.
(Youre ugly.)
I dont date women where I work.
(Youre ugly.)
Its not you, its me.
(Youre ugly.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Youre ugly.)
Im celibate.
(Youre ugly.)

… and the number 1 rejection line given by men

Lets be friends.
(Youre sinfully ugly.)

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?

He answered, Youve got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said, Youve got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man.

He responded, Youve got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil, this ones black!

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.

Forrest Gump says, Okay.

The gatekeeper says, First question: What two days of the week begin with T?

Gump replies, Thats easy. Today and tommorrow.

The gatekeeper says, Well, I didnt think of that so Ill give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?

Gump says, 12, January 2nd, February 2nd…

The gatekeeper says, That wasnt what I was thinking, but Ill give it to you.

Last question: What is Gods first name?

Gump replies, Howard.

The gatekeeper says, How on earth did you get Howard?

Gump says, Its common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.

YOUR DELETE KEY

Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.

INTRODUCTION

The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.

Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.

LOCATING THE DELETE KEY

Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled Delete
Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.

USING THE DELETE KEY

Locate something on your computer you wish to delete. Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system components are all delete-enabled items.
Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
The offending material has now been removed from your sight.

WARNING

Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete- based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the offensive or unwanted material.

WHAT SHOULD I DELETE

Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI). Consider this scenario:

Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!

(Written by Al Girard)

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.
Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont wan to have to come back.
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.
Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.
Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.
Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.
Whats wrong? asks the doctor.
Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.
Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your breasts. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

The Geography of a Woman


————————


Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man


————————


Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.