Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Homer!
Homer who?
Homer-again!

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your
keys at once.

A few years ago, while riding home from school on my bicycle,
I had a bit of a problem; a pedal broke, the shaft cut an
artery in my leg, lots of blood, police, the ambulance, etc.

After they sewed me up at the hospital, I wanted to call my
wife to come to pick me up. My problem was how to gently
break it to her that I was in the hospital, so that she
wouldnt get worried. I knew how to do it, and the conversation
went like this:

Hi, Jackie, Im a bit late today. I had a problem
with my bicycle. Could you pick me up?

What happened?

My Pedal broke.

Where are you?

Well, I cut my leg when it broke, and I decided to
stop at the hospital to let a doctor look at it.

(Pretty good, eh. She wouldnt get worried by that. I was congratulating
myself on being so smooth, when I got caught with an unexpected
question which I answered honestly.)

Which hospital?

I dont know, there werent any windows in the ambulance.

Panic set in. I blew it.

For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought yall might enjoy my journal:

Day 1:

Started the morning at 5:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2:

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full 17 miles. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed numerous hernias. Driving was okay as long as I didnt try to steer. Tanya was a little impatient with me & said my screaming was bothering the other members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair machine. Why would anyone invent something to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. Shes a sadist.

Day 4:

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. Gee, I cant help it if I was an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells — not a chance, slut. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until that dyke sent Lars in after me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine. It sank. I flagged down an ambulance for a ride home.

Day 5:

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body able to move, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I had news for Tanya — I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. That girl and her steel bra, hates all men. The treadmill flung me back into the wall. I had to call a neighbor to come get me. He took me home on a stretcher in the back of his pick-up truck.

Day 6.

Got Tanyas message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I called in sick at work; 3rd day in a row. Ive requested an unlisted telephone number from the phone company.

Day 7.

Well, thats the week. Thank God thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free root canals at the dentists. Im sitting here relaxing, barely able to move. Cant even work the TV remote. Well, 6 hours of a Pledge Drive on the the Public Broadcasting System cant be all that bad.

What do you get when 23 Arkansas women are in one room?

A full set of teeth!

Science definitions from Kids…

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, Little girl, I think that its wonderful that youre doing such a good thing.

The little girl says, Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? Theyre Democrats.

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. You know what, little girl? I think Ill take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how theyre Democrats.

The girl says, Im sorry Mr. Clinton, but theyre not Democrats any more. Theyre Republican now.

Bill says, They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?

She says, Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.

Estaba el acomodador del cine viendo que todo estuviera en orden en la sala mientras se proyectaba una película, en eso ve a un tipo que esta sentado con los dos pies arriba de los asientos de adelante, con el cuerpo inclinado sobre el asiento del costado y los brazos sobre los respaldos de los asientos laterales, todo despatarrado como si estuviera en el sillón de su casa. Ante esto, el acomodador muy enojado va hasta donde estaba sentado el tipo este y le dice irónicamente:

Flaco ¿estás cómodo?, ¿querés que te traiga un wisky, un faso, una mina…?

A lo que el tipo le contesta:

No pelotudo, llama a la ambulancia que me caí del Pullman.

There are no winners in life…only survivors.