Old and New Jokes

When nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says Saint Peter, have you ever had any contact with a mans penis?

Well, said the first nun in line, I did see one once.

OK, says Saint Peter, rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.

The next nun admits that, Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.

0K, says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.

Well now, whats going on here? says Saint Peter.

Well, Your Excellency, says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, if Im going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it.

Pepito quería con todas sus ganas un billete de 500 para comprarse una patineta. Así que decide escribirle a Dios para pedírselo. En la oficina de correos no saben que hacer con su carta, y se la envían al Presidente del país.

El Presidente lee la carta y se siente conmovido. Le pide a su secretario que le envíe un billete de 50 a Pepito, diciéndose que con la crisis mundial, el pequeño comprenderá que no le haya enviado los 500 que pedía.

Algunos días después Pepito recibe la carta con el billete de 50. De inmediato escribe una carta de agradecimiento a Dios: Querido Dios, muchas gracias por haberme enviado el dinero. Pero te quiero pedir que la próxima vez no lo dirijas a la oficina del Presidente, ya que, como acostumbran, esos bandidos se robaron 450 de lo que me enviaste…

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.



The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.



The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king!



She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.



She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.



Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… Honey? he whispers.



She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.



Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers.



She rolls over and yells, Oh sure!…

Youre not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Water skier!
Water skier who?
Water skierd of, Im harmless!

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, They accuse me of intervening in Angola… and a man going through the audience called out, Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on: They say I’m intervening in Mozambique… and the same loud voice shouted, Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: They say I’m intervening in Nicaragua… and the voice yelled again, Peanuts! Popcorn!

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, Bring that man who is shouting Peanuts! Popcorn! to me, and I’ll kick him all the way to Miami.

And everybody in the audience started shouting, Peanuts! Popcorn!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass Id like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements havent yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

This is deadly serious, so dont ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….

(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….

(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….

(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….

(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…

(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesnt care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…

(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

En un antiguo reino medieval, un rey poseía un formidable caballo, todo un semental, pero había un problema: el corcel estaba triste y no había querido comer por más de dos semanas.

El monarca envía un decreto por todo el territorio ofreciendo la mano de su hija la princesa, a quien lograra hacer reír al animal. Llegaron comediantes, bufones y payasos de todo el reino pero ninguno lograba hacer reír al caballo. En eso, aparece en el palacio un enano que dice que puede hacer que el caballo se ría sin parar. Escéptico, el rey le da la oportunidad preguntándose qué puede hacer este enano si ya muchos lo han intentado sin éxito. El liliputiense se acerca al caballo y éste repentinamente comienza a reír a carcajadas. El soberano tiene que cumplir su propio decreto y entrega a su hija, la princesa, en matrimonio al enano. La recién casada pareja se va a vivir a otro palacio.

En esos días, el caballo continúa con sus carcajadas y no puede parar de reír. Pasan dos días, tres días, una semana, dos semanas y el caballo no para de reír, no come y no duerme. El rey decide emitir otro decreto prometiendo un cofre repleto de joyas a quien logre que el rocín vuelva a estar triste porque prefiere al caballo como estaba al principio. De todo el reino llegaron individuos despreciables, tristes, deprimentes y ninguno lograba tener éxito. En eso llega nuevamente el enano y se le acerca al caballo y lo deja más triste que al principio. Cuando el enano se dispone a recoger su premio, el monarca lo detiene y le pregunta:

¿Qué fue lo que hiciste cuando quería que el caballo se riera?

Fui y le dije que yo lo tengo mucho más grande que él.

¿Y cuando lo quería triste otra vez que hiciste?

Me lo saqué y se lo enseñé.

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?



1st Child: I came here for a blood test.



2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?



1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.



At this, the second one started crying profusely.



The first one was astonished.



1st Child: Why are you crying now?



2nd Child: I came for a urine test !