Old and New Jokes

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

What happened?! asked Bill.

I ran over a pig, replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.

Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been theirs.

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.

Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

Do you know how long youve been gone?! What happened up there? he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, Those people up there threw me a huge party.

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, What? Why?

The limo driver started up his car and answered, I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.

Attention all Heterosexual Men!

Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck
shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment — like the ones on
Will & Grace?

You are not alone! Act now, and youll be on your way
to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual
men to become just like us! Let us help you in your
transformation from bland to faboo! Well give you all the steps
youll need to be a happy, healthy fairy, like:

How to have sex with a man and not need the six pack of
beer!

How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready – with
extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

The secret list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you
MUST own.

That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in
NYC!

The address of Ricky Martins private fan club!

Why you must JUST SAY NO to bi-level haircuts!

Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired — and
why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no — unless you havent
been going to the gym.

Why you must go to the gym!

Gaydar lessons — youll finally know the truth about that
unusual Uncle.

Our In and Out list — for the current week.

Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should
be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (well even
insert a few bucks to get you started).

A dialect coach to assist in gaylingo — learn terms like
twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen — and their importance in
conversation.

Significant historical dates youll need to know, like the year
Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbras wedding
anniversary, and the day Judy died!

Act now and youll receive a closet door
(removed, of course) to symbolize your freedom!
Dont delay any longer!

Dont you want to have more women hanging off you than
when you were straight? Call 1-800-GET-FABB to begin
your life as a fabulous fag!

Call today.

Operators are standing by!

(Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.)

Un borracho va a un bar, pide una cerveza y sale afuera a tomársela. Como no tenía dinero para pagar, se echa un pis en la botella simulando no haber tomado nada. Termina y la deja en el mostrador.

Al cabo de un rato llega un hombre y pide una cerveza, y el mozo le trae la botella que dejó el borracho.

Pasa un rato y el hombre llama al mozo y le dice: Por qué no me traes un sandwich de mierda y la hacemos completa?

Lynchs Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Whats the difference between Moses and Tim

Leary



Moses got on his ass and rambeled around the



country untill he got to Mount Siani. There



he saw a burning bush. Later he got two



tablets made out of stone, whiche he took



down from on high. When he showed these to



the people they all said this is from God.



Tim Leary got off his ass and into his



rambler. He went to Mount Kisko and smoked a



little bush. Later he got two hundred tablets



whic he took down to the people who got on a



high and thought the.

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles.

In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, who are you and what are you charged with??

Im duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

2nd one comes in, who are you and what are you charged with?

Im duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

3rd one comes in. Who are you and what were you charged with?

Im duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

4th one comes in judge says let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?

NO, he says…Im bubbles!!.

Periodically, I get junk mail for web sites I suspect are intended for the male of this species, which Im not. On a whim, I started forwarding all those sex kitten invitations to a male friend who has yet to explore the fullness of the internet. He sent this reply:

From: Blugrass2@aol.com

Subject: Awesome …

I must say I am totally SHOCKED that you would even consider sending me such smut over the ether waves … You must think Im some sort of pathetic, sex-starved computer geek with nothing better to do with my time than to spend it looking at pictures of half naked beautiful, young, uninhibited, free-thinking, pert-breasted, flat-tummied, trim thighed, hard-nippled, pouty-lipped, cyber sluts.

All I can say is THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Definitions of A Diplomat:

Always knows what to talk about, but doesnt always talk about what he knows.

Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

Can always make himself misunderstood.

Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.

Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

Can make nothing sound like something.

Can put his best foot forward when he doesnt have a leg to stand on.

Can put his foot down without stepping on someones toes.

Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

Can tell a man hes open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

Knows how far to go before he goes too far.

Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.

Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

Straddles an issue whenever he isnt dodging one.

Will approach every question with an open mouth.

Will lay down your life for his country.

Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

Three Jewish mothers met for lunch:

Oi, Oi, have I had a week! The first cried, On Monday my daughters husband of 15 years, the father of my three grandchildren announces hes leaving her for another woman!

You think you got problems? Exclaimed the second lady, My son has left his wife to set up home with the man next door!

Thats nothing! Declared the third, Ive lost my cleaner!

A man was working on a preachers car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the preacher said, “Dont take the Lords name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Dont take the Lords name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.’” The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”