10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.8. Your favorite song is Zippity-Doo-Dah.7. When you hear people talking about the underprivileged, you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonalds employees as cast members.5. Youve added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.3. Your childrens names are Ariel and Alladin.2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.1. Youre reading this.
17
Dec
17
Dec
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldnt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so whats the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
16
Dec
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, OK.
Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!
Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!
16
Dec
What a woman says: This place is a mess Cmon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
Cmon blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,
right now !
16
Dec
If youre feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it…
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
Tattoo out to lunch on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. (Dont knock it until you try it!)
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11s!)
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled – For Daddy, I love you.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:
If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parents aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)
If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up clinical psychologist… drive directly to the first one that accepts walk-ins!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
16
Dec
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She
passes a person who asks, Where did you get that?
A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!
16
Dec
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said White.
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, Excuse me, I dont mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I cant help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?
The woman replied, Im sorry to say, but thats the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…
16
Dec
Mommy, Mommy, I dont want to go to England!
Shut up, and keep swimming!
Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?
No, shut up and flush like everyone else!
Mommy, Mommy, why am I going round in circles?
Shut up, or Ill nail your other foot to the floor!
Mommy, Mommy, I hate daddys guts!
Shut up and eat, or you wont get dessert!
16
Dec
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human
being.
16
Dec
Lem: I got fired from my job as a bank guard.
Clem: Thats awful. What happened?
Lem: Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, Id let him have it.
Clem: What did thief do then?
Lem: He took one more step so I let him have it. I didnt want that stupid gun anyhow!