Old and New Jokes

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A – Under the Vacuum cleaner.

Two guys are out hunting deer…

The first guy says, Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.

No, the second guy says.

Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! the first guy says.

Oh, says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, Did you see that?

See what? the second guy asks.

Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

Yah, Ok, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, Yah, I SAW IT!

And the first guy says: Then why did you step in it?

This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"Its free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peters reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This
is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, Ill
have a C monkey please.

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out
a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying,
That will be $5,000.

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very
expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?!

The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight
code, no bugs, well worth it!

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more
expensive, $10,000! What does it do?

Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual
C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage
of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?

The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it
says its an SAP consultant.

Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis. The first graders asked each other, Whats a penis? None of them knew.
Finally one boy said, Ill ask my Dad, he knows everything.

That evening the boy asked his Dad, Whats a penis?

The father replied, Well, if youre old enough to ask I guess youre old enough to know. Dad dropped his pants and said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact, thats a perfect penis!

The next day the boy told his friends, I found out what a penis is, come on, Ill show you.

The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his friends, said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, itd be a perfect penis!

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint. The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. Dont you remember what I told you the other day? he inquired.

Oh, I surely do. the old gent replied, Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and Im cheerful

Un vendedor de seguros toca a la puerta y abre la dueña de la casa:

Buenas tardes, señora. Vengo a ofrecerle mis servicios como agente de seguros.

No, gracias.

El vendedor insiste:

¡Anímese a comprar uno, por ejemplo, para su esposo! Así estaría usted más tranquila.

¿Para mi marido? ¡Ni loca, no me conviene!

¿No le conviene? ¿Por qué?, cuestiona intrigado.

Imagínese, hace un tiempo compré uno para mi auto; poco después me lo chocaron y se incendió…

¿Ah, sí? ¿Y después qué sucedió?

¡Pues que la compañía de seguros en vez de darme el dinero, me dio otro auto igual! ¿Ya ve por qué no me conviene?

Este ere un tío que estaba sin trabajo, y recorriendo los pueblitos en busca de uno, llega a encontrarlo en una planta lechera que estaba bien lejos del pueblo más cercano. El patrón le dice que el domingo es su dia libre y puede irse donde las putas.

Un domingo el tío esta carretón pero tiene una pereza para irse al pueblo, entonces tiene una idea con las máquinas aspiradoras que sacan leche de las tetas de las vacas, así que pete uno de los tubos en su sexo y enciende la maquina, que le comienza a chupar el miembro.

Loco de placer el hombre quiere apagar la máquina despues de haber terminado, pero ésta no para de funcionar; el tío comienza a alocarse y no sabe qué hacer. Busca por todo sitio y descubre una etiqueta pegada a la máquina que dice:

La máquina se para automáticamente a los 120 litros.

This is a long one so I apologise now!



3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them



Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?





yes answer the men





ok says Peter and he turns to the first man. Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???





Well said the first man I must admit Ive had an affair 5 times





You get a bicycle then said Peter and off the man goes into heaven





The second man answers, Ive had an affair 2 times and so he gets a mini and goes off into heaven





Finally the last man answers I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.





A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.





What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car? asks the first man.





Its not that, I think thats great says the man crying, its just that Ive just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!