Old and New Jokes

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesnt know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the waters edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: Chapter 11.

You must read this out loud to get the pronounciations right!

Thats not right
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table
Ai Bang Mor Ni

I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

Its very dark in here
Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Um Kum Nao

Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

Hes cleaning his car
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great
Fu Kin Su Pah

Give it to me baby
Suk Mai Dong

England will win the World Cup
Mo Fu Kin Wai

Whos been eating all the pies?
Yo Fat Wan Ka

These phrases should help you out in most situations!

Element

Woman

Symbol

Wo

Discoverer

Adam

Quantitative Analysis

Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
been identified.

Occurance

Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet
state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties

Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at
a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common
ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well
that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties

Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love
her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the
dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if
in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage

Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses

Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a
heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests

Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green
if placed besides a better specimen.

Caution

Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in
inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to
succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a
certain amount of exchange is permitted.

A man started chasing his wife around the house with an egg beater. Thinking that this would be a kinky idea the wife agreed to try it out. While doing this the beater got stuck and the wife had to go to the hospital. When she got there she was shy and didnt want to be so bold about it so she told the doctor that her pussy had an egg beater stuck in it.
The doctor gave the wife an odd look and said, Well maybe you should take your cat to the vet miss!

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go!Bill replied, Well, thanks, God. Whats the difference between the two?God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision. Fine, but where should I go first? God said, Im going to leave that up to you. Bill said, OK, then, lets try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell.It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. This is great! he told God, If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven! Fine, said God and off they went.Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. Hmm, I think I prefer Hell he told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going, Bill? God asked.Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, This is awful, this is not what I expected. I cant believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? Way to go team!

A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke.

The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?



With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door.



Wait, cried the Professsor, the boat doesnt leave until tomorrow!

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid
no one would have him. In fact, he couldnt bring himself to tell his
fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she
bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying
was, Darling, Ive got a big surprise for you, at which she blushed and
smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last
alone in their hotel room. Now dont forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise, said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wifes hand on the stump.

Hmmmmm, she said softly, that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and Ill see what I can do!

This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to
tell him the dream she had the night before. Honey, I dreamed I was at a
cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size
cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50.

Say, was mine in the auction? the man inquires a bit anxiously.

Honey, yours wouldve been too big to get in the door.

A couple of days later theyre lying in bed again, and the man says,
You wouldnt believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction.
There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds.

Well, did you see mine? she asks.

Baby, he says, the auction was IN your pussy!

– Steve DiPirro

Dos yernos se encuentran y uno de ellos llora desmedidamente:

¿Por qué lloras?, pregunta el otro.

Llevé a mi suegra al medico, tiene cancer y dice que sólo le quedan 30 días de vida… snif… snif…

Tranquilo, tómalo con calma concuño, treinta días pasan pronto.