I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.
Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?
A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt
realized it yet.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
What do they call Clintons zipper?
The U.S. Open
Have you heard
of the NO-CARB Diet for 2004?
NO C-heney
NO A-shcroft
NO R-umsfeld
NO B-ush
and absolutely NO RICE!
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.
Little Tommys parents had tried everything to help his math grade:
tutors, flash cards, Hooked on Math, special learning centers,
everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face,
went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was
amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy
was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back
up to his room without a word and studied some more.
This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his
report card and showed it to his parents: An A in Math!
Tommy! This is great! Im so proud of you! Son, what was it? What
helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy shook his head.
Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The
uniforms? What?
Little Tommy looked at her and said, Well, Mom, its like this. When
I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
werent screwing around!
How careers end…
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed