Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read – We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!
Q: Whats the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.
While waiting for a bus, the blind mans dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind mans legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?
To which the blind man replied, Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?
He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chile!
Chile who?
Chile out tonight!
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her yes, we do.
Theyre right here behind the counter.
The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.
The clerk asks the old woman, is there something else I can help you with, Maam?.
The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says no, thank you, son.
Im just waiting here to see who buys them.
Man: Havent we met before?
Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.
Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?
Woman: Its in the phone book.
Man: But I dont know your name.
Woman: Thats in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.
Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!
Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean youve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then why arent you leaving me alone?
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.
Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Id go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require
instructions telling them how to play with a Slinky (a
childrens toy consisting of a large flexible spring)?
Well, in case you were wondering HERE are the instructions
that come with one:
TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and
lower each hand in a rhythmic motion.
TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN
Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of
Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move
hand slowly up and down.
TO WALK SLINKY DOWN INCLINE OR SLOPE
Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do.
Slope surface so rise equals about 1 foot for every 4
foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch Slinky
start down, end over end.
Farmer Browns son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.
So, in this story, … the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.