Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

About Mad in Finland
The following is by no means representative of Finnish English. The kind of
English used by Finns is usually, by European standards, low on errors. In fact,
Finns are only too aware of making mistakes. However, certain pronunciation
problems can be identified as rather Finnish. So sit back, relax and see if you
can spot the problem areas.

Mad in Finland

Matti: Hello Aijan.

Ian: Oh. Hello Matti.

Matti: Have you been waiting long?

Ian: No. I just got in from Hungary.

Matti: Oh really. Would you like a PISS?

Ian: Pardon?

Matti: A PISS of my chocolate?

Ian: Ah! Hungary – not hungry.

Matti: Aah! Youre not hungry!

Ian: Right.

Matti: Anyway, Im sorry Im late, but I had my testis taken at the hospital.

Ian: Youre testis?

Matti: Yes.

Ian: (Shocked) Er… Did it hurt?

Matti: Oh no. You know, only a little prick.

Ian: What? Oh – You had some tests taken!

Matti: As I said.

Ian: Well, how are things with Osmo?

Matti: Not so good. He has become a bit of a fakki idiootti – You know – a FACKY IDIOT Dont you say that in English?

Ian: I suppose we could. Why not?

Matti: Yes, well, what can you expect. AIDS always has that effect on people.

Ian: AIDS!

Matti: Yes. It come to us all you know. Anyway, Im happy with my AIDS, arent you?

Ian: Oh – age!

Matti: Thats right – AIDS. I mean its not a CATASTROPH to be forty, is it!

Ian: A what?

Matti: A catastroph!

Ian: Ah, you mean catastrophe!

Matti: Yes. Thats what I said, AIJAN! OK. Shall we LIVE together?

Ian: I beg your pardon?

Matti: Would you like to LIVE with me?

Ian: I… I… I…

Matti: Come on. I have a free evening. And we both have the same AIDS, lets go…

A little while later at Mattis summer cottage…

Matti: Well, AIJAN.

Ian: Ian!

Matti: Yes. What you think of my summer cottage?

Ian: Very nice. Do many Finns have their own summer cottages?

Matti: A turd!

Ian: A turd? Where?

Matti: A turd of Finnish people!

Ian: Oh, a THIRD.

Matti: As I said.

Ian: Mmm. Its, er, very peaceful here.

Matti: Yes, but there are too many BIG NIGGERS here in the summer.

Ian: Too many what?

Matti: Big niggers. You know, people who go on picknicks.

Ian: Picknickers!

Matti: Exactly. Oh, look over there. A salmi. How you say salmi in English?

Ian: Salmi?

Matti: Yes. Er, you know – a narrow slit between two LEGS

Ian: A narrow slit between two legs? (Gasp)

Matti: You KUNT.

Ian: What!?

Matti: You kunt know that. Its too difficult. Anyway, after sauna we can go swimming there.

Ian: Oh yes, a sauna. Im looking forward to that.

Matti: Well, I have to VOMIT first.

Ian: Vomit?

Matti: Yes. Its not ready yet. I have to VOMIT.

Ian: Oh, warm it.

Matti: Yes. Whats wrong with you? Dont you understand English?

Ian: Sorry, Matti. I guess Im a bit tired.

Matti: Oh yes. That reminds me. Do you have a SHIT at night?

Ian: A shit?

Matti: Yes. Or is a blanket enough?

Ian: Oh, I see. Well, I wouldnt mind a sheet, thank you very much.

Matti: Fine. OK. Now its time for sauna. You go and help yourself to a SHIT and Ill go and VOMIT.

The congregation of a certain Presbyterian church took pride in their pastors brief, to the point sermons.

For years he preached for exactly 15 minutes, briefly prayed, then launched into the final hymn. One Sunday, however, he preached for 45 minutes. He suddenly stopped, reddened a bit, bowed his head and gave the final prayer. When he got home, his wife lit into him.

She asked, What on earth happened this morning?

Chagrin all over his face, the preacher explained, I usually put a cough drop under my tongue just before I begin to speak. When it has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, I discovered too late that I put my collar button under my tongue.

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a

theater?

They were waiting to see the movie Closed for the Winter.

What are the best 10 years of a blondes life?

Third grade.

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Dont order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know. 2. Dont laugh at peoples names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a mans ass for less than that. 3. Dont order a bottle of pop or a can of soda — this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South its called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Dont show allegiances to any college football squad that isnt an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week. 5. Dont refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. Weve got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We dont care if you think were dumb, we know better! 6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave. 7. Dont order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know youre from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, dont put sugar in your grits. 8. Dont attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster. 9. Dont go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you dont like it here, take your Yankee ass back home. 10. We dont play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so dont ask about the scores. We…simply…dont…care. 11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. Its like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first. 12. Last, but by no means least…DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Dont push your luck!

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together.

The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.

The black guy says I cant get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?

The white guy says, I read her poetry every night.

His black friend then asks, What kind of poetry?

The white guy replies, Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.

Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – its a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, What happened?!

The black man says, Man, dont ever speak to me again!

The curious white man asks, Well, what did you say to her?

The black man replies, Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

Once ther was an insurance saleman from the city going out to the farm community to sell insurance to the farmers. He was way out in the country when he had engine trouble. Not knowing anything about cars he gets out and looks under the hood anyway.

All of a sudden he hears a voice that says Its the carborator



The insurance man jumps , and looks around, seeing no one . He then looks under the hood again hoping it is something visible that he could fix himself, when he hears the voice again Its the carborator



The man jumps again and turns around only seeing a large Brahma bull behind him. Scared out of his wits he takes off running to the nearest farm house he can see.



He knocks on the door, the farmer answers, the man immediately goes into his speal about the bull.



The farmer scratches his head and says Does he have one straight ear and one floppy ear?



The man nods Yes, Yes .



The farmer laughs and says Dont worry about him he doesnt know as much about cars as he thinks he does

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. Youre over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first–that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, dont even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Dont drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but dont drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you dont even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport.