Old and New Jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.

Estados Unidos y Colombia querían demostrar cuál de los dos países era más fuerte y decidieron hacer una pelea entre perros para averiguarlo.

Estados Unidos lleva un perro Rottwailer muy musculoso y Colombia se presenta a la competencia con un perro Salchicha.

Cuando comienza la pelea, el Rottwailer es rápidamente derrotado por el Salchicha colombiano. Entonces uno de los gringos exclama:

Oh no, no puedo creer esto ¿Con toda la plata que le metimos a este perro en el entrenamiento y todo?

Y el colombiano le contesta:

¿Y usted cuánta plata cree que le metimos en cirugías plásticas a ese cocodrilo?

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street and see a twenty dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. Guess who picks it up?



The dumb blonde – The other two dont exist.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.



The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.



The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

It was this little girls first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I dont think thats your name you need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principals office and he asked, "Whats your name?" And the little girl said, Happy Butt." The principal called the girls mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your names is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" whats the difference?

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.



The employer read all his applications and said, We have an opening for people like you.



Oh, great, he said, What is it?



Its called the door!

Two men were talking.One said: Id love to be casseroled by a redhead.Whats that mean? his puzzled friend said, Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time.The first man shrugged. Exactly. he replied.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, Man! How many bars do you work at?

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.