Old and New Jokes

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went a little bit too
far in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

The newsletter Verbatim had an article some years ago discussing prefixes,
suffixes, and infixes.

In English we have hundreds of prefixes that modify thousands of words. We also
have hundreds of suffixes that modify additional thousands of words.

In other languages there are hundreds of infixes, where you split a word and
add the infix to modify the word meaning. Many Arabic infix words were included
as examples.

The article ended with the three known English infix words:
in-fucking-credible, un-fucking-believable, and fan-fucking-tastic.

Three jewish israeli brothers come to america. They each get jobs.

The first one is a singer. He learns to say, Me, me me me me!

The second one is a waiter. He learns to say, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

The third one owns a candy shop. He learns to say, Goody goody gum drops!

One day a man is murdered. The three brothers are at the crime scene, and theyre being questioned.

One cop says, All right, now who did this?

The first brother tries to point out the man, but the only word he can say is, Me, me me me me!

The second cop says, What did you kill him with?

The second brother, trying to prove his brothers innocence, says, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

Finally, the third cop says, All three of you are going to have to come downtown with us.

And the third brother, trying to protest, says, Goody goody gum drops!

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained.Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales
clerk explained. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.But the right leg is way too short, argued the customer.No problem, the sales clerk answered. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. Thats why this suit is only
thirty dollars.Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left
shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel
under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of
the store toward his car.Two doctors happened along and noticed him.Good heavens, the first doctor said to the
second, look at that poor crippled fellow.Yeah, answered the second doctor. But doesnt that
suit fit great?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. Weve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??

Im sorry, replied the hunchback, but we dont have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. Im afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igors master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion. Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills deaths upset Igors master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Bettys hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bobs arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, hed start counting 10, 9, 8….

Q*Why do elephants have big ears*

A*Because Noddy wont pay the ransom!*

AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". Hereceived a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lackingintelligence…….With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police inOakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricadedhimself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that theman was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up….And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to havea gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated tellermachines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…. …And These Nitwits Are TeachingOur Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspensionunder his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoefferallegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, WestVirginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. Schoolprincipal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy…not tobe confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy…. Some Days, It Just Doesnt Pay toGnaw Through the Straps…. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newlyinstalled fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than lastyear," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my newsecurity system…" And for the Main Course…. Aman in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarettelighters, and a pair of salad tongs.. The Getaway A man walked into aTopeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, thetake was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for threehours until police showed up and grabbed him.. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! InOhio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inchwire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to helphim find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn thatthe man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drilland had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.. Have I Got a Deal for You! More than600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece forthe first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be spacetravelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors ofruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis andenjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running thisscam made off with over six million dollars…. Too Well-Educated In Medford,Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder ofthree people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If Ihad chosen another field, all this may not have happened…" Did I Say That?! Police in LosAngeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during alineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Giveme all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what Isaid!"Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach gota nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in hisFruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants ashe was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside hispants." Police have the mans charred trousers in custody…. Are We Not Communicating? A manspoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are onlytwo minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the Sharpest Knife in theDrawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank ofAmerica branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, butunfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he usesfor a knife..

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.

(Dont let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)

From the squawk sheets:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

Solution #2: #2 Propeller seepage normal.

Problem #2: #1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.

Solution: IT DOES NOW

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud

Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: Thats what theyre there for.