Old and New Jokes

A man came home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with another man.


His wife sat up and groaned.


Oh Lord, she grumbled. Here comes bigmouth. Itll be all over town now!

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer – NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes.

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Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom 🙂

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clintons cheek.

The blond thinks: That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face

The fat lady thinks: That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him.

Bill Clinton thinks: George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.

George Bush thinks: I hope theres another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rhoda!
Rhoda who?
Row, Row, Rhoda boat…!

13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

After a big fight broke out in a pub, the police were called in, as staffwere cleared away the debris, they spotted old Ron, a regular customer, lying uncocious in a corner. As he came round, one of the policemen asked him:Did you get in fracus.

Ron replied: No, in the nose.

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called How to Hug?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

A Neon.