Old and New Jokes

When someone says: You dont know Jack Schitt…

Now youll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A man goes to the confessional. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

What is your sin, my child? The priest asks back.

Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

When did you do use this awful language? said the priest.

I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore?

No, Father. Said the man. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asked the Father again.

Well, no. said the man, You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

Is THAT when you swore? asked the amazed Priest.

No, not yet. The man replied. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

Did you swear THEN? asked the now impatient Priest.

No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

You missed the fucking putt, didnt you? sighed the Priest.

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle players best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: Why doesnt Hillary cut Bills hair?
A: He wont pay her $300.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?

And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience

of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously. Very good.

Six seconds. Eh, uh, the heart? Very good! Four seconds.

I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host, CONGRATULATIONS!!

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that its a real easy game. He explains,I ask a question and if you dont know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I dont know the answer Ill pay you $5. Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, O.K., if you dont know the answer you pay me $5 and if I dont know the answer I pay you $50! Now, that got the Engineers attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? Then Engineer doesnt say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four? The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, Well whats the answer to the question? Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

The Talibans Fall TV Line-up

MONDAYS:

8:00 – Husseinfeld

8:30 – Mad About Everything

9:00 – Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

10:00 – Allah McBeal

TUESDAYS:

8:00 – Wheel of Terror and Fortune

8:30 – The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right

9:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things

9:30 – Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed

8:30 – Bowling For Food

9:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread

9:30 – Just Shoot Everyone

10:00 – Veilwatch

THURSDAYS:

8:00 – Matima Loves Chachi

8:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils

9:30 – My Two Baghdads

10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy

FRIDAYS:

8:00 – Judge Laden

8:30 – Funniest Super 8 Home Movies

9:00 – Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare

9:30 – Achmeds Creek

10:00 – No-witness News

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information – including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.

But, you cant do that, Susan replied. Why not? Her friend asked.

Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!

2 men are on a bar on the top of a building, the first man drinks a martini and jumps off the building. But 5 minutes later he has come back to the bar again. He does the exact same thing, he drinks a martini, jumps off the building and 5 minutes later he comes back to the bar again. The second man says, “WOW!! that’s amazing, how do you do that?” The man replies, “It’s easy, all you have to do is drink a martini and jump off!” “But how does that work?” “The alcohol in the martini gives you the ability to just float down!” So the man jumps off the building, after he had drank a martini, but he died. The second man was laughing really hard, then the bartender said to him, “Sometimes you are so slack SUPERMAN!”.