A pregnant woman from Washinton D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees shes no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, Maam youve had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, No, not my brother … hes an idiot!
She asks him, Well, whats the girls name?
Denise.
Wow, thats not a bad name, I like it! Whats the boys name?
Denephew.
10. Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.7. Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.4. I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!3. Since were all here, lets start the service early.2. Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zoom!
Zoom who?
Zoom did you expect!
A cop pulls over a car thats been swerving across the lanes of a road.
Get out of the car, please.
But Im not drunk, officer!
Listen, it doesnt matter if youre drunk or not. If you dont get out of this car, Ill arrest you anyway.
Fine, says the man and gets out of the car.
Okay, now walk this yellow line.
The man looks at the line.
Which one of them do I walk on?
A doctor was waiting for his next patient and when they arrived, it was a georgeous blonde. The doctor almost lost his control because he was so attracted. He let all professionalism go out the window and walked over to her. What is your name miss? he asked. Allie she replied. He began to feel her breasts because he was so wild with desire, and he said: do you know what I am doing Allie? she said yes, you are checking lumbs in my breasts. yes, thats right he replied. He then began to rub his hands up and down her body. he said to her allie, do you know what I am doing now? yes, she said, you are checking me for any skin imperfections. thats right he said. He finally lost all control and began to have intercourse with the woman. Now do you know what I am doing Allie? he asked, absolutely having the time of his life. yes, she said, getting herpes which is why I came to see you.
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
Good morning, Jonathan, the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthans hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathans hand. Whats this? the preacher asked.
Money, said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, Its for you!
I dont want to take your money, Jonathan, the preacher answered.
I want you to have it, said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, My daddy says youre the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.7. Its best to have a soft place to land.8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.11. Once you learn, you never forget how.12. If you fall off get right back on.13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.14. Remember to signal before you change direction.15. Make sure that youve got a firm grip.16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.18. Thats why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
This appeared in the Langalist courtesy of Canadian Gerry V
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isnt dangerous. Crashing is whats dangerous.
Its always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You wont live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know youve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didnt get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs youve made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters cant fly; theyre just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground thats going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Its always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. Theres always something youve missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. Its the law. And its not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.