Old and New Jokes

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

A pretty young college student visited her professors office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him. I would do anything to pass this exam, she said.

Leaning closer,she whispered seductively, I mean, anything.



He looked down at her and said,anything?



Anything she replied again.



His Voice softenend. Anything, he repeated.



She smiled, and again said, anything.



His voice turned into a whisper. Would….You…..Study???

In a startling announcement, Pat Robertson reveals that a careful
reading of the Book of Revelation indicates that the appointed day for
the rapture has already come and gone.

Apparently, said a spokesman, God decided not to take anyone
except Madelyn Murray OHair.

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasnt at her feet. She found him in his bed sleeping. She called his name, but he didnt get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldnt wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, Your dog is dead. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, Your dog is dead. She was like Ok, how much do I owe you? The doctor said $300She said, What!?!? How could it cost that much??He said $15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

To determine the source of an internal ailment, a young blonde had to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests.

All was going fine until he was give a form to sign which stated that one out of 10,000 people had a violent allergic reaction to one of the tests.

Obviously very concerned, she asked the doctor, What number are they on now?

Mats dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that hed gotten a part. I play a man whos been married for twenty years. Thats great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it theyll be giving you a speaking part.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else…

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

Im not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus.

The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse.

A passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver, What is that all about?

The driver replies, Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and Im just teasing her.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce, and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.