John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off!
11
Feb
10
Feb
When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
10
Feb
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?
Perfectly, said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. Shes got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guards pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!
Buffie said, I did . . . I did exactly what you said!
No, you idiot, said Judy. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!
10
Feb
En la selva existÃa sobrepoblación, y el rey León decide hacer un concurso de chistes para aminorar la cantidad de animales. El concurso consistÃa en que todos los animales debÃan decir un chiste, si la tortuga se reÃa, el animal se salvaba, si no lo mataban.
El rey dice: Hipopótamo tu chiste
El hipopótamo, resignado, cuenta su chiste, y todo el mundo se rÃe, menos la tortuga. El rey dice ¡mátenlo! ¡Jirafa tu chiste! La jirafa cuenta su chiste, y todos los animales se rÃen, menos la tortuga. El rey nuevamente dice ¡mátenla!
Y asà pasan muchos animales más sin que la tortuga se rÃa. De pronto la tortuga comienza a reÃrse descontroladamente, gritando:
¡Qué bueno estuvo el chiste del Hipopótamo!
10
Feb
From David Letterman and the Late Show…
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesnt Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, Your fly is open, he says, Yeah, I know
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, hell say pancakes just for the fun of lying
6. Hes no longer just fat — hes now Hugh Rodham fat
5. Tubby is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesnt even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as my lovely wife
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as the house that dirty pardon money built
1. Sits in the back of Al Gores journalism class screaming, Loser!
10
Feb
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yah!
Yah who?
Ride em cowboy!
10
Feb
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue …
10
Feb
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
I need someone with an accounting degree, the man said. But mainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.
Hows that? the would be accountant asked.
I worry about a lot of things, the man said. But I dont want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.
I see, the accountant said. And how much will my position pay?
Ill start you at eighty five thousand, responded the owner decisively.
Eighty five thousand dollars! the accountant exclaimed. How can such a small business afford a sum like that?
That, the owner said, is your first worry. Now get to fuckin work!
10
Feb
Heard this from a friend:
For those who need some background: the Republicans in Congress are trying
to reduce or eliminate federal support for the Public Broadcasting System.
Timothy Moy
tdmoy@unm.edu
A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN
TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE
8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of Atlas Shrugged.
9:00 am Mr. Rogers Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
Elitism is neat. The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids cant be
his neighbor.
10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert
and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the
Muppets white.
11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode Ernest Does Trickle-Down.
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
defense will balance the budget.
Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.
1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.
2:00 pm William F. Buckleys Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
the need for more conservative media voices.
3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.
4:00 pm NOVA: Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?
5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.
6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.
7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagners Prelude to a Cultural War.
8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsens A Dolls House. Phyllis
Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives
up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.
9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.
10:00 pm Adam Smiths Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion
10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.
11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle
11:01 pm Sign-Off
10
Feb
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, Honey, are you feeling all right?
Not really, the blonde replied. Im nauseous from sitting backward on the train.
Poor dear, Mom said. Why didnt you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?
I couldnt, she replied, there was no one there.