Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.Bobby looked at God and said "God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. Sowhy does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"God chuckled, and said "Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!"
If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!
SHE
08.45Wake up to hugs & kisses
09.005 pounds lighter on the scales
09.30Light breakfast
11.00Sunbathe
12.00Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
01.30Shopping
02.30Run into boyfriends ex, notice shes gained thirty pounds
03.00Facial, massage and nap
05.30Talk with mom on the phone for an hour
07.30Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10.00Make love
11.00Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HE
10.00Wake up
10.02Oral Sex
10.45Big breakfast
11.30Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
02.15Enormous lunch
03.00Oral Sex
03.30Play sport with the guys
04.00Drink beer with the guys
06.00Meet Claudia Schiffer
06.10Oral Sex
08.00Huge dinner, more beer
11.00Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11.30Watch late game from the West Coast
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, Danger! Beware of Dog posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, thats him, he replied.
The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
—
who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
The girl who can eat the last onion ring.
Están dos recién nacidas en la sala de maternidad del hospital y le pregunta una a la otra:
Oye, ¿tú eres virgen?
¡Hombre, pues claro, si acabamos de nacer!
¡Jo, pues yo no aguantaba más y me he sentado en el chupete!
Una guapa mujer, de fino gusto, bien vestida y maquillada, se encuentra en una fiesta. De pronto, un tipo pasado de copas se le acerca:
Señorita, ¿quiere bailar conmigo?, le pide con tartajosa voz.
Mirándolo con desdén, de los pies a la cabeza, le responde:
No sea atrevido e igualado. ¡Cómo cree que una mujer de mi clase se meterÃa con un tipo como usted! DÃgame, ¿cuándo ha visto caviar en el hocico de un marrano?
El hombre, alcoholizado y enojado, le lanza:
Señorita, usted me disculpará, pero yo le dije que bailáramos, no que me lo mamara.
What do you call two Packies jumping out of a plane?
Chocolate drops.
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in
which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, How come you all play such good golf?
The lead rabbi said, When you live a religious life, join and attend
temple, you are rewarded.
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a
temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives
a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a
104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, Okay, I joined a temple,
live a religious life and Im still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, What temple did you join?
He said, Beth Shalom.
The rabbi retorted, Schmuck! That ones for tennis!
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, Hey, we need one of the rear fences re-done. Why dont you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some calculations and said, Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, $2,700.
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
Easy, he said. $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.