A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out. But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. What did he say? asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, Gringo. You wouldnt dare shoot me.
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldnt wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, Honey, Ill be right back… Where are you going coochi cooh…? asks his wife. Im going to the bar, pretty face. Im going to have a beer. replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, You want a beer my love…? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesnt know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass. He didnt get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, You want a frozen glass puppy face…? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoers de devours that are really delicious… I wont be long. Ill be right back. I promise. OK? You want hoers de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoers de devours … chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. But sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that… replies the husband in desparation. You want dirty words cutie pie…? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOERS DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!
Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.
Black Employee: Im a protected minority.
Female Employee: And Im a woman.
Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin.
…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: I think I might be gay…
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.
Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wilfred!
Wilfred who?
Wilfred like his present?
An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.
Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for? he yells.
Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies.
A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.
Ow!! she yells. What the hell was THAT for??
The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.
Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.
Joke told by Peter Jennings, on Later, last night, attributed as typical
Russian Humor :
Two Russians are standing in a very long line for vodka.
The first one says, This line is too long! We must always
wait for everything! I am going to go to the
Kremlin and shoot Gorbachev!
After about an hour, he returns.
The second Russian asks him Well, did you shoot him!
No, the line was too long!
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a Bridal Shop and asks for a white dress.
You cant wear white. Reminds the sales clerk, Youve been married three times already.
Of course I can, Im a Virgin. Says the Bride
Impossible says the sales clerk.
Unfortunately not. The Bride explained:
My first husband was a Psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, God I miss him.
(Heard this one from a minister at a pre-wedding party:)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.
The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.