A: Tiger Woods.
30
Oct
30
Oct
An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?
Pierre said, Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.
So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.
So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, Ive tried it Pierre, it doesnt work!
Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!
30
Oct
There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesnt like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesnt like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesnt like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!
30
Oct
If youre being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. Theyre trained for
that.
30
Oct
Two
old friends were just about to tee off at the first
hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying
a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didnt turn up."
"Sure," they said, "Youre welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"
"Im a hit man," was the reply.
"Youre joking!" was the response.
"No, Im not," he said, reaching into his
golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini snipers
rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools."
"Thats a beautiful telescopic sight,"
said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I
think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight
in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see
my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in
the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see shes naked! Whats
that? Wait a minute, thats my neighbor in there with
her. Hes naked as well! The bitch!" He turned
to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a
hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars
every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, shes always been mouthy,
so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, hes
a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing
perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going
to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the
hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand
dollars here….."
30
Oct
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:
Fellas, I got real problems. Im seventy years old. Every morning at seven
oclock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give
me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.
The second old man says: You
think you have problems. Im eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00
I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all
kinds of stuff but nothing helps.
Finally the third old man speaks up:
Fellas: Im ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I
wake up.
30
Oct
If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
30
Oct
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 1
Re: Christmas Party
Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! Well have a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And dont be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 2
Re: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on were calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 3
Re: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didnt sign your name. Im happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads AA Only you wouldnt be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Anybody? Somebody?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 7
Re: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigis can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, Ive arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 8
Re: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice … what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigis prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based Goddess-worshipping employees, but well try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the bands breaks. Okay???
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 9
Re: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa does happen to be Satan, there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red suit. Its a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentines Day. Could we lighten up?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 10
Re: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? Ive had it with you people!!! Were going to keep this party at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the grill of death, as you so quaintly put it, and youll get your f***ing salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them scream right now!
From: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 14
Re: Mickey Hennigan and Holiday Party
Im sure I speak for all of us in wishing Mickey Hennigan a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and Ill continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
30
Oct
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers dont react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and were gonna get killed!
29
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!