Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.



Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.



Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.



What does that tell you? Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.



Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?



Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot, Some ——- has stolen our tent.

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Whats tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer!

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: Nice going! Now were going to have to pee in the boat.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each others head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the films depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth.

Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was tired of walking, stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
How much weight do you want to lose? to which the man responded, Ten pounds.
The voice replied, Very well, put your check in the mail and well have a
representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, If you catch me you can screw me. Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said,
Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He did just that and was
amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How
much weight do you want to lose? to which the somewhat less overweight man
replied, Twenty pounds. Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Put
your check in the mail and well have a representative over to your house in the
morning.

At about 8:00 the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he
opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign
around her neck stateing If you catch me you can screw me. The chase took
awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through
she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He ran to the
bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

This is fantastic! he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the
number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want
to lose? Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds? the voice asked.
Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time. The overweight man replied,
My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in
the morning, and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up,
ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck
stating, If I catch you, Im going to screw you.

Stardate 12:00

Captain Kirk: Captains log, stardate
7412.6… hello? The red light still isnt going on. Testing, 1-2-3-4.
Chekov, its not recording.
Chekov: I know, Keptin. Perhaps a negative
function with the clock-timer.
Uhura: Captain, Im getting indications of a
Klingon presence.
Kirk: Mr. Spock?
Spock: I confirm at least six Imperial Klingon
warships, Captain, and heading toward our position at Warp 7.
Kirk: No, the Captains log. Why wont it record?
Spock: Might I suggest, Captain, that we first
remove ourselves to a more secure sector and then address the matter
of your log? That would be the…logical approach.
Kirk: Theres nothing logical about this
instruction manual. Chekov?
Chekov: Keptin?
Kirk: Try this. With the Rec-On day flashing,
press the 5 key.
Chekov: I did already, Keptin. Still negative function.
Sulu: Captain, Im having difficulty holding course.
Kirk: Shut down engines. Chekov, Press the number
for the day. For Sunday, press the 1 key, for Monday, the 2 key, and
so on.
Chekov: Affirmative, Keptin. Still negative
function. Perhaps ve should go back to page 15, vere it said to press
Rec-Off time and enter two digits for the hour.
Spock: Captain, the Klingons are arming their
photon torpedoes.
Kirk: Engineering.
Scotty: Aye, Captain?
Kirk: Mr. Scott, weve got a malfunction in the
log. Were going to need full deflector power while we get it fixed.
Scotty: I canna guarantee it, Captain. The systems
are overloaded as it is.
Chekov: Keptin, the flashing 12:00 disappeared!
Kirk: Good work, Chekov!
Chekov: Den it came right back.
Kirk: Damn it. Analysis, Mr. Spock.
Spock: It would appear, Captain, that this
instruction manual that you and Mr.Chekov have been attempting to
decipher was written in Taiwan.
Kirk: Taiwan?
Spock: A small island in the Pacific Rim Sector,
formerly inhabited by a determined people who believed that the
adductor muscles in giant clams, Tridacna gigas, conferred sexual
potency. In the later twentieth century, they became purveyors of
early video equipment to what was then the United States. They were
able to successfully emasculate the entire U.S. male population by
means of impenetrable instruction manuals. It was this that
eventually led to the Great Conflict.
Kirk: But this is 7412.6. How did a Taiwanese
instruction manual get aboard the Enterprise?
Spock: It is possible that a Taiwanese computer
virus was able to infiltrate Star Fleet Instruction Manual Command and
subtly alter the books so that not even university-trained humans
could understand them.
Kirk: Its diabolical.
Spock: On the contrary, it is perfectly
logical. Their strategy was based on an ancient form of Oriental
persuasion known as water torture. In this case, instead of water a
digital rendering of the hour of twelve oclock is flashed repeatedly
and will not disappear until the unit is correctly programmed.
Kirk: And for that you need a manual you can understand.
Spock: Precisely. Unless…
Kirk: Spit it out, Spock.
Spock: You have Star Log Plus. A small device that
permitted the Americans to bypass the instruction manuals and program
their units so that they would not end up with six hours of electronic
snow instead of Masterpiece Theater or, more likely, American
Gladiators.
Kirk: Could you make one these things, Spock?
Spock: It would take more than the one minute and
twenty seconds that we have until we are within range of Klingon
weapons.
Dr. McCoy: Jim, you know I hate to agree with
Spock, but hes right. Weve got to get out of here. There are
hundreds of people on this ship, young people, with homes and families
and futures, and pets– little hamsters on treadmills, Jim. You cant
sacrifice them just because you cant figure out how to program your
damn log!
Kirk: I know my responsibilities, Bones. Spock,
would it be possible to beam the flashing 12:00 into the Klingons
control panel?
Spock: Theoretically, yes.
Kirk: Do it.
Uhura: Captain, Im picking up a Klingon transmission.
Kirk: Put it on screen.
Klingons: QIyaH, majegh!
Kirk: Translation, Spock.
Spock: It appears to have worked, Captain. They
are surrendering.
Kirk: Take us home, Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov, try
pressing the OTR button twice.