Old and New Jokes

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here!

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chow Mein!
Chow Mein who?
Chow mein to meet you my dear!

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note — romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,
JonathanP.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. While that was an urban legend, this one
is not. Its happening every day. Im sending this warning only to a few
of my closest friends.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone elses thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if
imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at
pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became
obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to
bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard
was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was
the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although
badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs
they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for
lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while
fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my
upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly,
one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my
T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age
was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like
maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.
Thats why Ive decided to share my story; I cant take on the medical
profession by myself.

Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isnt really
plastic those surgeons are using. You know where theyre getting those
replacement parts, dont you? The next time you suspect someone has had a
face lifted, look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy
tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on
that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs . . . and I
hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night.
Warn your friends.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember: When Im having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

Mr. X gets a promotion and is posted in the Middle East. A few weeks later, Mrs. & Mr. X go shopping. Mrs. X badly required a new bra.

They enter a shop and ask for a particular brand of bra. Unfortunately none of the salesmen knew English. After unsuccessful attempts to explain to them in English, Mr. X tries sign language.

He points out to his wifes breasts and shows the action of covering them. The salesmen get too embarrassed to look at those actions.

Getting slightly desperate, he requests two handkerchiefs, ties them and cups his wifes breast with them to demonstrate the use of the bra.

Still the salesmen do not understand a thing and one of them threatens to report Mr. Xs indecent behaviour to the police.

Mrs. X then suggests that they draw a bra on paper. Mr. X requests for a paper and pen and draws a bra-like figure.

The salesman takes the paper, walks over to the other side of the shop and comes back with …

(what do you think)

A pair of Ray-Ban glasses.

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn,
and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on
rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts. After a couple of
minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the
discharge is from the ear.

Mi vida, ahorita vengo…

¿A dónde vas, cariño? (expresión de recién casados)

Al bar, mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

¿Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito?

Y en eso abre la puerta de refrigerador y le enseña 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 países diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe que decir, y se le ocurre decirle:

Ay mi pichurri, pero en el bar… tu sabes… el tarro helado…

No terminaba de decirlo, cuando la esposa interrumpe, diciendole:

¿Quiere tarro congelado mi amorcito?

Saca del congelador un tarro helado, congelado, tan blanco que hasta temblaba de frío…

El marido apenado, dice:

Si chiquita mía, pero en el bar sirven unas botanas riquísimas… vuelvo enseguida…

¿Quiere botanitas mi amorcito?

Abre el horno y el frigorífico y saca quince platos diferentes de botanas: aceitunas, totopos, cacahuates, papas fritas, palomitas, quesos, caviar, carnes frías, etc.

Pero caramelito, en el bar… tu sabes… las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…

¿Quiere palabrotas mi amorcito?, entonces: ¡TE TOMAS LA PUTA CERVEZA EN EL PINCHE TARRO HELADO Y TE COMES LAS CABRONAS PAPAS Y LOS PUTOS CACAHUATES, PERO DE AQUI NO SALES HIJO DE LA CHINGADA!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?

I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where did you go?

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.