Old and New Jokes

12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?

10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.

5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.

3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.

So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend

So the Ranger replies Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.



Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.



Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.



Its always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.



You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?



Dont bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.



A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.



You cant teach an old dog new…………………………math.



If you lie down with the dogs, youll…….stink in the morning.



The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.



An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.



Where theres smoke, theres………………………pollution.



Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.



A penny saved is………………………………….not much.



Twos company, threes……………………….the musketeers.



Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.



Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.



When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.



She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.



Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? he replied. And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.



Baffled, she said, yes, I remember. So?



Well…I would have gotten out today!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

46. While youre roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.

Barkers Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

You want it when?

Did you hear about the latest tragedy in Bihar?

There was a terrible power failure in a large shopping mall, people were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

A Jewish man, driven to desperation by the endless delays of his tailor who was making him a new suit, finally cried, Why is it taking so long? I have been waiting six weeks.

So?

So, you ask? It took G-d only six days to create the universe!

Nu, shrugged the tailor, look at it…

Some non-Christian (but not unChristian) bits of important wisdom for earth dwellers:

Be a Fundamentalist – ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material from that track. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure regularity.

Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!

The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. Thats where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we dont like the programming were getting, we can change the channel.

Life is like photography – you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you…

It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called truth decay. Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when youre tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in the Swamis Absurdiveness Training Class: DONT GET EVEN, GET ODD.

If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. Thats where I no mad at you and you no mad at me. That way therell surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if youre looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a fault dont dwell on it.

Theres no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and well never have to change it again.

If youre looking for the key to the Universe Ive got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to the Universe. The good news: It was never locked.

Finally, everything Ive told you is channeled. That way, if you dont like it its not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you dont have to go through channels.