Old and New Jokes

Never sell a bear skin before catching the bear.

A record company have launched a CD with a compilation of your favourite tunes which youd hear at your local indian restaurant so that when you have a curry at home you can feel really authentic. (thats true btw).

Anyway, they suggested what the songs might be called:

• Tikka Chance on me

• Vindaloo see you again

• Tears on my Pilau

• Korma Chameleon

• Whos Saree now

• Working Naan to Five

• Chicken tikka tell me whats wrong. (chikatika)

• Popadom Preach…

• Its my Chapati, and Ill cry if I want to…

Snappy answers to sappy questions:

All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Q: Dear Abby,

What can I do about my little brother? Hes such a pest!

A: Have you tried a flyswatter?

Q: Dear Abby,

My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?

A: Shut up and get back to work!

Q: Dear Abby,

My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?

A: Get a new dad.

Q: Dear Abby,

Why are you so lazy?

A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Q: Dear Abby,

Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?

A: Send them to me and Ill eat them for you.

This guy is in Toronto on holiday. He doesnt want to do all the usual touristy stuff but he does want to go up the CN tower, the worlds tallest tower. He decides he want to eat in the revolving restaurant right at the top of the tower. He books a table for the evening.

He arrives a little early so he heads to the bar where he orders a pint and starts chugging it back. While hes sitting there another bloke comes and stands beside him. The other guys orders a tequila and vodka shaken. The bartender duly makes the drink.

The guys downs the drink then casually stroles over to the window, he then opens the window and steps out. The tourist guy thinks oh shit, but nobody else seems to bat an eyelid, the guy decides to sit where he is and mind his own business.

Several minutes later the guy who jumped out the window walks back in! He orders the same drink, downs in, then walks out of the window again. The tourist guy is really spooked now, but still he says nothing because nobody else seems bothered.

Then, the window guy walks back into the bar again. The tourist can stand this no longer. He goes and asks the window guy whats going on. The guy says that if you drink tequila and vodka shaken you get the most amazing wind. so when you jump out the window and let go the chuff is so powerful that you just float down to earth.

The guys thinks he has to try this, he orders a tequila vodka shaken, downs it, then jumps out the window… SPLATT, he hits the ground leaving nothing like a greasy mess.

The bartender turn to the window bloke and says Superman youre a real wanker when your pissed.

Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments to his new administration.

• Press Secretary – Mean Gene Okerlund
• Agriculture Commissioner – Kenny The Sodbuster Jay
• Chairman of 7 County Mosquito Control District – Jimmy Super Fly Snuka
• Education Commissioner – Bobby The Brain Heenan
• National Guard Adjutant General – Sargeant Slaughter
• Transportation Commissioners – The Road Warriors
• Commissioner of the Arts – Rock and Roll Buck Zumhofe
• Chairman, Govs Council on Physical Fitness – Jerry Blackwell
• Animal Rights Commissioner – Mad Dog Vachon
• State Title IX Coordinator – Macho Man Randy Savage
• Tribal Affairs Commissioner – Wahoo McDaniel
• Co-Chairs, State Recycling Program – Junkyard Dog and Ray The Crusher Stevens
• Highway Maintenance Engineer – Dusty Rhodes
• Trade Envoy to Japan – Mr. Fuji
• State Treasurer – The Million Dollar Man Ted Diebiase
• Chief of Staff and Mentor – Vern Gagne
• State Gaming Commissioner – Black Jack Lanza
• Timber Commission Chairman – Larry The Axe Henning
• Winter Carnival Coordinator – Stone Cold Steve Austin

. . . and then Marie Antoinette says
operator, Ive been cut off.

(Ive heard this story several times, but Im damned if I can
remember who these Generals were. Nevertheless, here goes:)

Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a
nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the
shoulder. Without an instants pause, he turned to his aide – Fetch
me my red jacket, he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he
turned to the other General, and explained that he didnt want the
men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a
cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its passing rocking
them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General
turned to his aide, and ordered, Fetch me my brown trousers …

= Martin A. Lodahl Pac Bell Minicomputer Operations Support Staff =

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive?

So they dont whistle!

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says Hey bartender give me a beer.

The bartender says – Im sorry we dont serve food here.

(Ive been making a collection of peoples mis-rememberences of movie
titles and making up descriptions of what the movies would be like if
they really existed. Here are a few examples:)

8 1/2 WEEKS–Considered by some to be Fellinis masterpiece.
A filmmaker is resting at a health spa and trying to write a new movie.
He is distracted, however, by his visions of whips, strawberries, and
a mysterious woman in white.

NATIONAL BLUE VELVET–Elizabeth Taylor plays a young woman
with a strange attraction to horses. Dennis Hopper plays the wacky,
demented jockey.

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET–Santa Claus, in the off season, follows
his hearts desire and tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa
sings and dances his way into your heart.

COLOR ME PURPLE–Whoopi Goldberg was nominated for an
Academy Award ™ for her part as a carnival face painter.

THE JAGGED RAZORS EDGE–This was made as a training film
for pubescent teens who are learning how to shave, but it contains
so much blood and gore that it is now considered a camp horror
classic. Look for the sequels, FACES OF DEATH, LEGS OF DEATH and
UNDERARMS OF DEATH.

Billy Green
Carrboro, NC