Old and New Jokes

Iban dos compadres por la calle y uno le dice al otro:

Oye, tengo ganas de salir con Madonna otra vez.

¿Cómo que otra vez?, le pregunta, sorprendido, el otro.

Es que ayer también tuve ganas.

Iban tres amigos en una motocicleta. El primero iba conduciendo, el del medio era tartamudo, y el último se llamaba Jaime.

El primero, que conducía, les dijo a sus dos amigos que se prepararan para sentir adrenalina, y aceleró su motocicleta.

El del medio, tartamudo, comenzó a decir:

¡Ja-Ja-Ja-Ja!

Y el que conducía, al pensar que se su amigo se reía, aceleraba cada vez más.

Después de un rato, cuando se detuvieron, el del medio habló diciendo:

¡Ja-Ja-Ja-Jaime se cayó!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Conyers!
Conyers who?
Conyers please open the door!

A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.

His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.

The boy asks his mother and she replies Hell yeah.

He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars.

He asks and his sister replies Yes.

He again tells his father what the answer was. The little boy asks So whats the difference?

The father replied Hypothetically were rich, the fact is were just living with a couple of whores.

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

A judaic rabbi met a christian father and asked him how came theirs church is so big and so rich. The father told the rabbi about the confession and invited him to come and see how it is going.

On sunday the rabbi steps into church to set up the confession cabin near the father.

A young woman cames into the cabin saying Forgive me father for I have sinned – Ive ben with a man who is not my husband

You made a wrong thing my child said the father.

Put 10 in the way out pray every night and you will be forgiven

The rabbi set their for two more confession and ask the father permission to try to take his place.

A young lady came into the cabin and sais Forgive me father for I have sinned – Iv been with a man who is not my father.

You made a wrong thing my child said the rabbi put 100 in the way out and you can do it ten more times

In The News – Edited Excerpts from the LA Times

Includes one Leno quote

WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, horses, Yugo drivers

Congratulations to 17 year old Kim Rhode of El Monte, California, for winning the gold medal in trap shooting. You dont go to school in the LA area without learning to be a good shot. (Leno)

Turkeys tiny Nalm Suleymanoglu, the man they call the Pocket Hercules, won his third gold in weightlifting. He has a brother whos an accountant, called the Pocket Calculator.

Just to give you an idea of how cramped and tight things are in Atlanta, athletes are complaining they cant get around the Olympic Village, cant get around Atlanta, cant get around drug testing…

Childrens TV producers have a meeting at the White House on Monday, which seems rather fitting – the 1996 election looks like Sesame Street and we have to choose between Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch.

The GOP is buying time on the Family Channel and USA Network to broadcast an unfiltered version of its convention straight from the horses mouth. Funny, I would have thought it would come from the other end of the horse …

Shortly after admitting he wrote Primary Colors, journalist Joe Klein got carried away – he now claims he is Deep Throat, he killed Jimmy Hoffa and that he sang lead on those Milli Vanilli albums.

After the Lakers signed Shaquille ONeal to a $120 million contract, they doubled their ticket prices. I guess theres no such a thing as a free throw in this town. Thank goodness this was offset by that minimum wage hike …

This month is the 50th anniversary of atomic bomb testing on Bikini Atoll. The islands flag is a field of blue with 50 itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dots.

Mobil Corporation will stop calling its Hefty trash bags biodegradable because they dont break down fast enough. In order to do that, they would need to be made out of the same stuff they use to make a Yugo.

And finally, production has begun on Free Willy 3. Producers werent able to get the original whale – hes afraid of being typecast.

10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves
9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connies lap
8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast
7. Its actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway
6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands
5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating
4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed
3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry
2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors
1. Trumps using a de-icer on Marla

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists.

Un hombre que había perdido su trabajo y tras varios meses de búsqueda, atiende un aviso de Microsoft solicitando barrenderos. El gerente de personal le pregunta sus datos, lo hace barrer, lo felicita y le informa:

“¡El puesto es suyo! Deme su correo electrónico y le enviaré el día y la hora que se tiene que presentar”.

El tipo, desconcertado, contesta que no cuenta con correo electrónico. Entonces, el gerente le dice que lo lamenta mucho pero que si no tiene correo electrónico virtualmente no existe y que como no existe, no le pude dar el trabajo.

Desesperado y sin saber que hacer, pues tan sólo cuenta con dos dólares en el bolsillo, decide ir hasta el mercado más cercano y comprar un cajón de tomates de 10 Kg. Después, va casa por casa vendiendo a dólar la libra de tomates. En menos de 2 horas había duplicado el dinero. Repite la operación tres veces más, luego cena en un sitio por cinco, y se vuelve con quince dólares a su casa.

Se da cuenta que de esa forma puede sobrevivir y sale cada vez más temprano y vuelve más tarde, y así duplica, triplica y hasta cuadriplica el dinero en un solo día. Con bastante suerte de su lado, logra comprarse una camioneta que al año cambia por un camión y a los tres ya tiene una pequeña flota. Al cabo de cinco años, el buen hombre es dueño de una de las principales distribuidoras alimentarías del país. Entonces, recibe a un agente de seguros de vida y cuando la charla termina, el vendedor le pide su correo electrónico para enviarle la póliza. El sujeto contesta que no tiene correo electrónico, es más, ni siquiera una computadora.

“Si usted no tiene correo electrónico y ha llegado a construir este imperio, no quiero imaginarme lo que sería si tuviera correo electrónico…

¡Sería barrendero de Microsoft!, contesta el buen hombre.

Moraleja 1: Internet no te soluciona la vida.

Moraleja 2: Si trabajas por tu cuenta y tienes suerte puedes ser millonario.

Moraleja 3: Si quieres ser barrendero de Microsoft debes tener correo electrónico.