Boy: Will you punish me for something i didnt do?
Teacher: Of corse not!
Boy: Good cause I didnt do my homework!
05
Oct
04
Oct
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
04
Oct
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
04
Oct
Tres amigos hablaban acerca de cuales consideraban las mejores posiciones durante el sexo.
¡La número uno es el 69!, acepta uno.
¡Me fascina el pollo asado!, dice el otro.
¡No hay nada mejor que la del rodeo!, comenta el tercero.
Los otros dos amigos se miran con cara de asombro, y rápido le preguntan en qué consiste esa posición.
El hombre les explica: Bueno, le dices a tu mujer que se ponga en cuatro y empiezas por detrás; una vez que las cosas se pongan bien calientes, apoyas tu pecho sobre su espalda, la abrazas fuertemente, y con delicadeza le susurras al oÃdo: esta posición le fascina a mi secretaria… e intentas mantenerte encima de ella por más de ocho segundos.
04
Oct
API. Sep 12, 2001
Esta mañana el Presidente Municipal de Apatzingán convocó a una rueda de prensa a medios de comunicación locales, nacionales e internacionales para informar que se deslinda de toda responsabilidad ante los sucesos ocurridos en la ciudad de Nueva York.
Dijo que su gobierno nunca organizó ningún complot y mucho menos albergará a un solo terrorista sea de cualquier nacionalidad, sexo, convicción polÃtica ó religiosa.
Puntualizó su solidaridad con los familiares de las vÃctimas del atentado y reiteró que ponÃa a disposición de la población de aquella ciudad estadounidense al H. Cuerpo de Bomberos de la ciudad; el carro tanque no lo ofreció porque no llegarÃa a Morelia sin descomponerse, pero añadió que él personalmente pedirá permiso al Cabildo para viajar a la ciudad de Washington, D.C. con el fin de aclarar con el Presidente Bush sus intenciones.
Continuó diciendo: He escuchado en las noticias que se teme que mi gobierno apoye el terrorismo islámico y quiero dejar claro que esto es totalmente falso, aquà todos somos orgullosa y devotamente guadalupanos.
En eso, su secretario se le acercó, le jaló la manga y le dijo al oÃdo: ¡Hay un error, señor Presidente, al parecer Bush dijo Afganistán, no Apatzingán!
04
Oct
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….
04
Oct
Looking for Love: Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream
woman, says Jay Leno. He says he wants someone whos funny, secure,
independent and has a good personality. You know whats really sad- the
one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.
04
Oct
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says win $10,000; ask bartender for details.
He asks and the bartender says well, you see that man at the end of the bar?. the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step…
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three…
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hookers apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says o.k., wheres the hooker with the sore tooth?.
04
Oct
Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.
They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.
Social worker – We should give these seats to the children. Lawyer – Dont be stupid, fuck the children! Catholic priest – Do you really think weve got time?
04
Oct
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didnt recognize him at first. Rob, is that really you? said the friend. You look years younger. I didnt know you had a dimple in your chin.
Its not a dimple, its my belly button said the old man and his friend laughed.
If you think thats funny, take a look at what Im wearing for a tie!