Old and New Jokes

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, theyre too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although its a nice hotel, the rooms certainly arent worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, But we didnt use it!

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. But sir, he says, this check is only made out for $100.

Thats right, says the man. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.

But I didnt! exclaims the manager.

Well, the man replies, she was here and you could have.

A blonde and a brunette were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were completely totaled.

They climbed from the wreckage and the brunette stood in awe. Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives, she said.

I agree with you completely. No doubt well be lifelong friends, the blonde replied.

The brunette stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. This bottle of wine wasnt even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.

Thats a great idea, miss, the blonde answered, taking the bottle from her. She popped the cork and drank her share.

Im sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some? the blonde asked.

No, thanks, said the brunette. Ill just wait until the cops get here.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]

But this method doesnt work with a telephone call…
[sound effect: dial tone]

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls!

How much would you pay?

Dont answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, well throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

[Theme from Indiana Jones in the background.]

Youve reached the residence of John and Tom. We cant come to the phone right now, because were cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and well get back to you.

[Theme from Indiana Jones continues until the beep.]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used

Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs…

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

10. It doesnt snow in Hell.

9. Everyone has heard of Hell.

8. Its more fun getting into Hell.

7. You cant fail out of Hell.

6. At least you can sleep in Hell.

5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.

4. People smile in Hell.

3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.

2. You know there are hot men in Hell.

1. You wouldnt tell a friend to go to college.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

I dont work here. Im a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Q: How many believable, competent, just right for the job presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Its going to be a dark 4 years, isnt it?

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame.

said his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the mushrooms.