This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guys eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding — moreso now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostrate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. On a followup visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sportscar, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. "No, Ive always taken a 15-inch neck.""But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.""Listen — Im 45 years old, and for the past 30 years Ive taken a 15-inch neck.""Okay, Ill do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?""What?""It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
Están los niños tomando tranquilamente la clase cuando, de pronto, grita Jaimito:
¡Maestra, maestra, quiero hacer pipÃ!
La profesora le reprende:
No se dice asÃ, Jaimito, se dice quiero hacer del uno.
Más tarde, Juanita empieza:
¡Maestra, maestra, quiero hacer popó!
La educadora la corrige:
No se dice asÃ, Juanita, se dice quiero hacer del dos.
En ese momento Pepito interviene:
¡Maestra, maestra, deme un número que me quiero tirar un pedo!
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. America, the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, Shes not from the States.
Yes, I am. said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, Is he your husband?
Yes, she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered…. Ill give you 100 camels for her. The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, Shes not for sale.
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how Id get 100 camels back home.
You might be a redneck if…
You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
A pilot and his four passengers were on an airplane that was about to crash. The four passengers were Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton, a hippie, and old man. Unfortunately, there were only four parachutes on the plane.
The pilot yelled, Im the pilot! and jumped off with one of the parachutes.
Michael Jordan said, Im the worlds greatest athlete! and jumped off with another parachute.
Bill Clinton said, I am the worlds smartest man! and jumped out of the plane. This left the hippie and the old man alone in the rapidly-descending airplane.
Im old, said the old man, so you can have the last parachute.
Nah, thats okay, man, the hippie said. The worlds smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.
Little Tommy was a smart little boy.
Little Tommy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Tommy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
None., replied Tommy. cause the rest would fly away.
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher. But I like the way you are thinking.
Little Tommy then said, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
No, said Little Tommy, the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.
(I hope these arent too offensive. Perhaps they should be encrypted?)
(1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly
considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another
person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set
of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in
a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered
to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his
companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first
meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with
his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took
offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the
rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
Whats the definition of a shame (as in, thats a shame)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a crying shame?
When there was an empty seat.
Cosas que uno no quiere escuchar durante una cirugÃa:
1. ¡Mierda! ¿qué es eso?
2. ¡Oh, maestro de la maldad, acepta este sacrificio en tu nombre para honrarte!
3. ¿A que te refieres que no estaba aquà para un cambio de sexo?
4. ¿Donde está el cerebro del paciente?
5. Pasame esa… esa… esa cosa brillante.
6. ¡OOOPPPPSSS! ¿alguien a sobrevivido 5000 ML de esta cosa?
7. ¿Olvidaste para qué estaba aquà el paciente? Bueno, vamos a sorprenderlo.
8. ¿Se supone que eso debe estar moviéndose? Porque parece que está haciendo que el paciente se ponga verde.
9. ¿En donde deje mi escarpelo?
10. ¿Que pasa si saco esto de aqu�
11. ¿Que es ese ruido? ¿DeberÃa sonar asà o no?
12. Eso fue sorprendente, ¿puedes hacer que mueva la otra pierna?
13. Y ahora ponemos el cerebro del mono al paciente.
Un matrimonio está desayunando en la cocina, cuando el marido le agarra el trasero a la esposa y le dice:
Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitarÃas esos calzones levanta poto.
Ella, bordeando la ira, se queda callada.
Al dÃa siguiente estaban en la misma situación, cuando esta vez él le agarra una pechuga y le dice:
Si las tuvieras más firmes no necesitarÃas usar sostén.
Entonces, ella calmadamente le agarra el pene y le dice:
Si lo tuvieras más firme no necesitarÃa al jardinero, al cartero, el lechero y a tu hermano…