Now I lay me down to sleep. Please dont send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.
One good man whos sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie. Who dresses neat and doesnt smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, thats okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, dont let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right I wont go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, Hed probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad I know its just a passing fad. I wont be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, wont comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
A wife, one evening, drew her husbands attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why dont you do that?
I would love to, replied the husband, but I dont know her well enough.
Idiocy in the Computer World
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldnt have these problems, I said in the memo. One customer responded with What kind of shampoo do you recommend?
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: Gee, how much does one of these weigh?
Me: It depends on how much data is on the disk.
The operator believed it.
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: Whats wrong with the computer?
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: Broken muffler belt.
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: Oh, thats bad. Can you call Midas?
A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:
Caller: Whats the name for when youre entering data into the computer?
HD: Data Entry.
Caller: Thank you!
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says Enter your name and press RETURN. What do I do??
Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.
Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint giving him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight him, run him off or kill him, but Im KEEPING ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem…You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows Im a bull.
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.
Ive developed
halitosis
My urine is rank and yellow
Yet Im a happy fellow
In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,
Deviled eggs and cheese
Make no mistake:
Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away
A few each energetic day
Will it be the Boston Marathon
Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin
And Im down to one chin
I feel eighteen again
No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,
And making me lean
Once a major carb freak,
Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop
But you made me stop
All those other diets are a crock
And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse
But I feel like Mr. Universe
And I had to tell somebody
About my new body.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.OK, OK, do you see that tree out there? he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.Yes, yes, yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.Good, said the first bat, Because I didnt!
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.