Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying

in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he

keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to

date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for

superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do

the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A

coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original

work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

Q: What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?

A: Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didnt want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

Everything I Needed to Know About Computers I Learned in the Movies

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

All monitors and hand-held devices display 2-inch-high letters whenever you
need to see what the operator is typing.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they
do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors,
explosions may result. (See #10).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains
desktop computer, even if its turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it
doesnt go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the
screen.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath
the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a
shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. A skilled
technician will bring such a computer back online in minutes.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two
gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels
will explode, as will the entire building.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file – and there
are no undelete utilities.

If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password
when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, itll be readable by any system
you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,
real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities
(through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects
itself onto his/her face.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. While
operating computers under stress, humans never make mistakes.

Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into
any picture as far as you want to.

Why did the Polish airplane crash?

Because it ran out of coal.

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A woman appeared in front of Satan at the gates of hell.

Oh, I know *you* he said. Youre that wench who tempted all those men in room 1 into adultery.

Thats me, the lass said with a sway of her hips.

Look, said Satan, Youre obviously a beautiful young woman. What are you doing here so soon?

Well, its a sad story. You see, one of the unlucky wives caught me in bed with her husband. She pulled out a gun and aimed for him and hit me instead.

How unfortunate. Seeing as how youve given obvious pleasure to many people and were deprived of continuing this noble pursuit by accident, Ill give you a choice of three rooms to spend eternity.

In the first room were countless criminals, hung by their thumbs.

Lets see the second room.

The second room was even worse, countless lawyers hung by their toes.

Please let me see the third room!

She glanced in to see young, attractive people of both sexes standing around drinking coffee. But they were standing in a foot of manure.

Wow, these are my kind of people! And despite what their standing in, they seem to be having a good time.

Are
you sure? These are all gigolos and prostitutes.

WOW! My kind of people. Let me in!

She was admitted, the door closed, and a low voice called out: Coffee breaks over! Back on your heads!

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. But sir, said the clerk, you have the best room in the hotel. I insist on another room!!! said the drunk. Very good, sir. Ill change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you dont like 502? asked the clerk. Well, for one thing, said the drunk, its on fire.

Top five reasons why computers must be female

No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message, Bad command or file name, is about as
informative as If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im
certainly not going to tell you.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality…

Top five reasons why computers must be male

Theyre heavily dependent on external tools and
equipment.

They periodically cut you off right when you think
youve established a network connection.

Theyll usually do what you ask them to do, but they
wont do more than they have to and they wont think of it on their
own.

Theyre typically obsolete within five years and need to
be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel theyve
already got so much invested in the darn thing that theyre compelled
to remain with an underpowered system.

They get hot when you turn them on, and thats the only
time you have their attention.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock

jokes and Im leaving!