El presidente de un paÃs latinoamericano reúne a todo el mundo en el Palacio de Gobierno, prensa y medios de comunicación incluÃdos, para anunciar algo importante. Entonces llega y dice:
Compatriotas, les tengo 2 noticias, una buena y una mala.
Entonces todo el mundo: ¿Cual es la buena?
La buena es que ya pagamos la deuda externa con Estados Unidos.
¿Y la mala?
¡Pues que tenemos quince dias para desocupar el pais!
Yo, el pene, pido aumento de salario por las siguientes razones:
· Ejecuto trabajo fÃsico
· Trabajo a grandes profundidades
· Trabajo de cabeza
· No gozo de descanso semanal ni dÃas feriados
· Trabajo en un local extremadamente húmedo
· No me pagan horas extras ni nocturnidad
· Trabajo en un local oscuro y sin ventilación
· Trabajo a altas temperaturas
· Trabajo expuesto a enfermedades contagiosas
RESPUESTA DE LA ADMINISTRACIÓN
Después de lo planteado por el solicitante y considerando los argumentos expuestos, la administración rechaza las exigencias del mismo por las siguientes razones:
· No trabaja ocho horas consecutivas
· Se duerme en el puesto de trabajo después de una corta actividad laboral
· No siempre responde a las exigencias de la jefatura
· No siempre es fiel a su puesto de trabajo, se mete en otros departamentos
· Descansa mucho antes de tiempo
· No tiene iniciativa
· Para que trabaje hay que estimularlo y presionarlo
· Descuida la limpieza y el orden del local al terminar la jornada de trabajo
· No siempre cumple con las reglas de uso de los medios de protección e higiene del trabajo
· No espera a la jubilación para retirarse
· No le gusta doblar turnos
· A veces se retira de su puesto de trabajo cuando aun tiene faena pendiente
· Y por si fuera poco, se le ve entrar y salir constantemente del puesto de trabajo con dos bolsas sospechosas.
The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!
Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take myshoesoff before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.
His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wifes ass and say, How about a little? and she pretends that shes asleep.
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?
The woman says, Evian… Its naive spelled backwards.
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
…when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.
Interviewer: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted Schoenberg?
Sir Thomas Beecham: No, but I trod in some once.
[The following was probably written by a violinist]
A princess was walking through her garden one day when she sees a frog sitting on a lily pad. As she gets closer she realises, to her amazement, that it is talking to her.
Princess, princess, please help me. A wicked witch turned me into a frog – I used to be a musician – I played beautiful music in a great orchestra. If you kiss me I can become human and play music again.
The princess said, Oh how sad, of course Ill help you. By the way, what instrument did you play?
The frog replied, I used to play the viola.
Ah said the princess. You know, I think you could have a great future as a talking frog.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.