Old and New Jokes

IBM: Identical Blue Men

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

Im too young to die, she wails.

Then she yells,
Well, if Im going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Ive had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, Im fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

I can make you feel like a woman, he says.

Hes gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.

The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
Iron this.

Llegó a cierta ciudad un doctor chino, especialista en enfermedades venéreas, de esos que sólo están una semana y se anuncian como los mejores.

Un tipo que parecía que traía un zoológico en el miembro acude a la consulta y el médico le dice:

A vel, vamos a levisal ese pene. ¡Oh señol, yo tenel que sacal biopsia de esto! Saca la biopsia y después de una hora de estar en el laboratorio, sale y le dice al paciente:

Señol, a mí se me hace que se la mamo…

Órale, doctor, lléguele, yo no me rajo, le contesta el paciente sacándoselo del pantalón.

No señol, a mí se me hace que se la mamo a mochal, polque ya no silve, le informa el galeno oriental.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.



By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.



The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.



The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Havanna!
Havanna who?
Havanna a wonderful time wish you were here!

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.

Did you hear that the man who invented the Do Not Back Up, Severe Tire Damage
device is now working on a birth control invention?

Two hippos are sitting in the middle of a river in Africa. I dont know where, just one of those rivers that you see hippos lolling around in. And, is it hot? Im telling you, you could die from the heat. Its like 150 degrees and not a breath of breeze.

Theres nothing moving except the slowly flowing river and maybe a fly or two buzzing around the hippos. The only parts of the hippos showing are their little ears sticking out of the water and their little bulgy eyes and their nostrils and theyre just sitting there, side by side, hour after hour.

Every once in a while a fly lands on one of their ears and they wiggle the ear and it flies around and lands again. Nothing stirs. Hour after hour they sit.

All of a sudden one of this hippos raises its big head out of the water and slowly shakes it. The other hippo then raises his big head out of the water and says, What?.

And the first hippo says, I dont know Clyde, all day long I cant get it through my head that todays Tuesday…

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.

The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place …

Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done crashin yet.