Old and New Jokes

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowskis legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone … more or less. He was doing the usual walking and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner!

– Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is Gods way of teaching us geography.

– Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin…

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

Whats another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling No Soliciting signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that theyre an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know theyre telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if its wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.

The doctor then asked, What type of brain do you want?

What type? the woman asked.

Yes, replied the doctor. There is a substantial difference in price.

For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

Can you give me a one-pound lawyers brain? Ever since I was a little girl Ive dreamed of being a trial attorney.

Thats $250,000, the doctor replied.

Why so much? the woman asked.

Thats over four times what a surgeons brain costs.

Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain? the doctor replied.

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink.

The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing.
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing! Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday. The doctor thinks for a minute and says, Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function.

One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll.

The first drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having; the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face.

When asked about it by his buddies he says, I thought I was doing great until I bit her on the tit, she let a fart and flew out the window!

Youre so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, “4th bottle to the left.”

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.