Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between love,true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Un hombre tenía un puesto para rejuvenecer camellos en el Sahara. Un tipo que tenía un camello viejo y cansado lo lleva a dicho lugar y le dice al dueño que vea qué puede hacer, aunque es bastante escéptico de los resultados.

El dueño del local le dice que no se preocupe, que en unos minutos se lo deja como nuevo, y grita: ¡Ahmeeeed!.

Del fondo del local sale un negro de dos metros con un miembro gigantesco y se lo introduce al camello; el pobre animal se levanta como si tuviera 20 años menos, y sale corriendo hasta desaparecer en el horizonte.

El dueño del camello, impresionado, dice: !Qué buena forma de rejuvenecer camellos!, pero ahora tengo otro problema: ¿cómo lo alcanzo?

El dueño del local dice:

¡No se preocupe, en segida lo alcanza! ¡Ahmeeeeed…!

A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show

A window was something you hated to clean….

And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..



MEG was the name of my girlfriend

And GIG was your middle finger upright

Now they all mean different things

And that really MEGA bytes



An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano



Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy

You hoped nobody found out



Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

Youd be in jail for a while



Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode



Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spiders home

And a virus was the flu



I guess ill stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.

Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.

I really cant remember, the snail replied.

You see, it all happened so fast.

Picard: Sigma Indri, thats the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
Well have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we cant,
We cant, we mustnt, and we shant,
The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: Im sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ships on fire! Picard: The ships on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems… Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! Youve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
Youve saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet — Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite… Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: Theres sabotage among the wires
And thats what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that theyve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We havent even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain,

Seeking a raise I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

*I do physical labour
*I work at great depths
*I work head first
*I do not get RDOs, weekends off or public holidays
*I work in a damp environment
*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
*I work in high temperatures
*My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from People & Quality: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
*You do not work 8 hours straight
*You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
*You do not always follow the order of the management team
*You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
*You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
*You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
*You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
*You dont always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
*You dont wait till pension age before retiring
*You dont like working double shifts
*You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the days work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

a Bjorn-again Christian.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
John!
John who?
John with the Wind!