Old and New Jokes

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We dont have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we dont have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because its too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds – they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

Having gone to his secretarys apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. My God! he shouted, My wife is going to kill me!

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. Honey! he began, Dont pay the ransom. I escaped!

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: How much for the bronze rat? $12 for the rat, $100 for the story, says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. Ill just take the rat, you can keep the story.

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.

Ah ha, says the owner, you have come back for the story?

No, says the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.

You might be a redneck if…
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Q: Whats the definition of strain?

A: Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldnt stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

Youre so ugly it makes your grandmother look hot.

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton changed her name?

She is now known as Sharon Peters!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt
looking good either.

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I dont care what you smell!

9. Luke, at that speed do you think youll be able to pull out in time?

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.

7. Youve got something jammed in here real good.

6. Arent you a little short for a storm trooper?

5. You came in that thing? Youre braver than I thought.

4. Sorry about the mess…

3. Look at the size of that thing!

2. Curse my metal body, I wasnt fast enough!

1. She may not look like much, but shes got it where it counts, kid.