Old and New Jokes

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

Two [ethnic] people went hunting in the woods and got terribly
lost.
The first [ethnic] said, hey, I know what to do, the international
sign for SOS is three shots in the air.

so he tried it.

They waited, nothing happened. he tried again.

They waited for two hours, extremely hungry tired and
desparate, the two [ethnic] people began to believe their lives were
lost forever. Finally the first [ethnic] person looked at the second
[ethnic] person and said, Well this is our last and only hope left, we
only have three arrows left.

You might be a redneck if…
You list your parole officer as a reference.

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

You know youre out of college when…You dont know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.Your potted plants stay alive.Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.You have to pay your own credit card bill.You havent seen a soap opera in over ayear.8:00 a.m. is not early.You have to file your own taxes.You hear your favorite song on the elevatorat work.Youre not carded anymore.You carry an umbrella.Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.You start watching the Weather Channel.Jeans and baseball caps arent staples inyour wardrobe.You can no longer take shots, and smokinggives you a sinus attack.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.You go to parties that the police dontraid.Adults feel comfortable telling jokes aboutsex in front of you.Your car insurance goes down, except whenyou move to Jersey.You refer to college students as kids.You drink wine, scotch and martinis insteadof beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.Youre waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going tobed.College sweatshirts are casual instead ofdress up.Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.Naps are no longer available between noonand 6 p.m.Dinner and a movie — the whole date insteadof the beginning of one.You get your news from sources other thanUSA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.METABOLISM SLOWDOWNWine appreciation expands beyond Boones andMad Dog.You actually eat breakfast foods atbreakfast time.Grocery lists actually contain relativelyhealthy food.When drinking, you say at least once pernight I just cant put it down like I used to.Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.You decide your parents werent as dumb asyou thought!

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3. Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve, the departing CEO said.



Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor.



Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.



About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.



After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.



The message said, Prepare three envelopes.

You order a Double Whopper and he says, Hey, my name aint Rockefeller, honey.

Youve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.

He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.

Your dinner reservations are under Loser, party of 2

Hes especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

He calls to tell you hell pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.

Hes been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

Darling, she whispered after they had finished making love, Will you still make love like that to me after were married ?

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, I think so.

Ive always been especially fond of married women.

Husband (Returning late from work ) : Good Evening Dear, Im
now logged in.

Wife : Have you brought the grocery ?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning?

Husband : Erroneous syntax.. Abort ?

Wife : What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found …

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny ?

Husband : Too many parameters …

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.

Husband : By Default.

Wife : What about your Salary ?

Husband : File in use … Try after some time.

Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?

Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

Wife : Are you going to drink some wine ?

Husband : File system is full.

Wife : What is the relation between u and your Receptionist ?

Husband : Only user in my WRITE group.

Wife : What is my value in the family ?

Husband : Unknown Virus.

From Little Moron Stories by Ernest W. Baughman, Hoosier Folklore Bulletin 1943. – Quoted in B.A. Botkin (ED) A Treasury of American Folklore, Newyork: Crown Publishers, 1944.

Little moron was painting the house when another one came up and said, Got a good hold on that brush?

Yep.

Well, if you are sure you got a good hold on that brush Ill borrow your ladder for a second.

O.K. but dont keep it long. The handle of this paint brush is kind of slippery.

Little morons wife send him down town after a bucket of ice. He came back with a pail of water. I got this for half price because it was melted.

Little moron took two slices of bread and went down and sat on the street corner waiting for the traffic jam. A big truck came along and gave him a jar.

Q: Why did the little moron go to the lumber yard?

A: To look for his draft board.