Old and New Jokes

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]

But this method doesnt work with a telephone call…
[sound effect: dial tone]

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls!

How much would you pay?

Dont answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, well throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

[Theme from Indiana Jones in the background.]

Youve reached the residence of John and Tom. We cant come to the phone right now, because were cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and well get back to you.

[Theme from Indiana Jones continues until the beep.]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used

Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs…

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

10. It doesnt snow in Hell.

9. Everyone has heard of Hell.

8. Its more fun getting into Hell.

7. You cant fail out of Hell.

6. At least you can sleep in Hell.

5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.

4. People smile in Hell.

3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.

2. You know there are hot men in Hell.

1. You wouldnt tell a friend to go to college.

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

I dont work here. Im a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Q: How many believable, competent, just right for the job presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Its going to be a dark 4 years, isnt it?

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame.

said his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the mushrooms.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

9. Speak in tongues.

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin at it on a lawn. One guy, whos married, looks at the other and says, Geez, Id give anything to do it to my wife like that.

The other, a single guy, says, Heck, thats easy. Just feed her three martinis.

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?

The married guy replies, Yes, but it took SIX martinis.

The single guy exclaims, SIX martinis! How come so many?

The husband replies, Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. Im really hungry, said the first one. Me, too said the second. lets fly down and find some lunch. They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate, and ate and ate and ate til they could eat no more. Im so full I dont think I can fly back up to the tree, said the first one. Me either. Lets just lie here and bask in the warm sun, said the second. OK said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep , a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them all up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, I love baskin robins.