Old and New Jokes

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint giving him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight him, run him off or kill him, but Im KEEPING ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem…You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows Im a bull.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Ive developed
halitosis

My urine is rank and yellow

Yet Im a happy fellow

In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,

Deviled eggs and cheese

Make no mistake:

Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away

A few each energetic day

Will it be the Boston Marathon

Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin

And Im down to one chin

I feel eighteen again

No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,

And making me lean

Once a major carb freak,

Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop

But you made me stop

All those other diets are a crock

And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse

But I feel like Mr. Universe

And I had to tell somebody

About my new body.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.OK, OK, do you see that tree out there? he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.Yes, yes, yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.Good, said the first bat, Because I didnt!

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, just one. But this bulb wont do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out ….

The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

I finished the exam in half an hour. But, he says, Im not going to finish rechecking my answers!

Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.

How disgusting said the teacher I am sure your father could have done that

No mam, he couldnt have said the little sod It has to be the Bull.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin!