A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands. Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. Thats a great response.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands. Thats fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, Ghost?!? Sheeyit….. From back there it sounded like you said goats.
There was a man who said, I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!
A secret pregnant lover
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didnt marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
Theres no future in time travel.
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.
But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
Oh, he died, the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.
The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.
Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!
10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.8. Your favorite song is Zippity-Doo-Dah.7. When you hear people talking about the underprivileged, you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonalds employees as cast members.5. Youve added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.3. Your childrens names are Ariel and Alladin.2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.1. Youre reading this.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldnt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so whats the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, OK.
Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!
Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!
What a woman says: This place is a mess Cmon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
Cmon blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,
right now !
If youre feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it…
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
Tattoo out to lunch on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. (Dont knock it until you try it!)
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11s!)
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled – For Daddy, I love you.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:
If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parents aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)
If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up clinical psychologist… drive directly to the first one that accepts walk-ins!
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