Heart Attacks…Gods Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Im an imbecile and I vote
Money Isnt Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Grow your own dope, plant a man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots…I married their king.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs
Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it
We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
HabÃa una vez una pequeña viejecita que casi estaba ciega y tenÃa 3 hijos celosos que querÃan probar que cada uno de ellos era el mejor hijo para ella.
El primero le compró una mansión de 15 habitaciones pensando que serÃa lo mejor que se le podrÃa ofrecer. El segundo le compró un Mercedes con un chofer, pensando que seguramente con este regalo ganarÃa su aprobación. El tercero tenÃa que hacerlo aún mejor, asà que le compró una cotorra instruida, que se le habÃa estado entrenando por 15 años para que memorizara la Biblia entera; se le podÃa preguntar cualquier verso de la Biblia y la cacatúa podÃa citarlo palabra por palabra. Éste seguramente iba a ser el mejor regalo.
La dama se dirige al primer hijo:
Hijo, la casa es bella, pero es demasiado grande para mÃ. Yo sólo ocupo una habitación y es demasiado pesado limpiar y encargarse del resto. Gracias de todos modos.
Va con el segundo hijo:
El carro es muy lujoso, pero yo casi no salgo y es un desperdicio. Además, el conductor es un tanto irritante y no me gusta mucho. Aprecio tu esfuerzo, pero ¿podrÃas devolverlo?
Entonces, le habló al tercer hijo:
¡Hijo, me gustarÃa darte las gracias por el mejor regalo de todos! Ese pollo estaba delicioso.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
El juez interroga a la viejita indefensa:
¿Cual es su edad, señora?
Tengo 86 años.
¿PodrÃa decirnos, en sus propias palabras que fue lo que sucedió?
Allà yo estaba, sentada en la mecedora en el porche de mi casa en una agradable noche de primavera, cuando un joven se acerco y se sentó junto a mi.
¿Usted lo conocÃa?
No, pero él se mostró bastante amigable.
¿Qué sucedió después de que él se sentó?
El comenzó a acariciar mis piernas.
¿Usted lo detuvo?
No, yo no lo detuve.
¿Por qué?
Se sentÃa muy bien, nadie me habÃa hecho eso desde que mi esposo murió hace 30 años.
¿Qué sucedió después?
El comenzó a acariciarme mis senos.
¿Usted lo detuvo entonces?
No, yo no lo detuve.
¿Por qué?
Bueno, señor Juez, sus caricias me hicieron sentir viva y excitada. No me habÃa sentido asà en muchos años.
¿Qué sucedió después?
Bueno, yo me estaba sintiendo tan caliente y excitada que simplemente abrà mis piernas y le dije: hazme tuya jovencito, tómame, hazme el amor.
¿Entonces, el la tomó?
No. El sólo gritó Feliz DÃa de los Inocentes y fue allà cuando le disparé al hijo de su p… madre.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because shes to busy screwing her cousin! Isnt that funny!
Last but not least I would like to say to the makers of this sight that you are the dumbest bunch of SOBs that I have ever seen. You must have blacks on your mind everyday day and night to do a whole website of them. Maybe if you would stop thinking of them so much and think about the fact that your Sister is really your aunt then maybe you wouldnt spend as much time thinking about blacks. Also I am sick tired of hearing you all tell us to go back to Africa, well if thats the case why dont you go back to England because you stole this land from the Indians. Oh and the next time you want to call a black a nigger why dont you consider the fact that a nigger is an ignorant person and I guess that includes you to.
Posted in Lightbulb |
A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
Theres no way they can catch a BMW, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. What the heck am I doing? he thought, and
pulled over.
The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.
Have a nice weekend, said the officer.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Livia!
Livia who?
Livia me alone!
Posted in Knock-knock |
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – this is not what I was promised!
An angel replies I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…
What the hell did you think I said?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A Koala bear and a hooker were having sex, during the sex the Koala bear goes down on the hooker.
After they were finished the Koala bear got up and started to walk out. The hooker stopped him and said you have to pay me.
The koala bear shook his head. So, the hooker pulls out a dictionary and shows the bear the defintion of a hooker – have sex and get paid for it.
The Koala bear then asked for the dictionary and show ed her the definition of a Koala bear – eats bush and leaves.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!
Since were all here, lets start the service early.
Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, Quit while youre ahead?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
Posted in General / Unsorted |