Old and New Jokes

Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

It worked well for Reagan, didnt it?

Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!

I was working smarter-not harder.

Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

Im in the management training program.

Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Its okay… Im still billing the client.

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!

what do you call a chineese shit shoveler?

Differences Between You and Your Boss



When you take a long time, youre slow.

When your boss takes a long time, hes thorough.

When you dont do it, youre lazy.

When your boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.

When you make a mistake, youre an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, hes only human.

When doing something without being told, youre overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, thats initiative.

When you take a stand, youre being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, hes being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, youre being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, hes being original.

When you please your boss, youre apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, hes being co-operative.

When youre out of the office, youre wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, hes on business.

When youre on a day off sick, youre always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, its because hes overworked

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: No way. I dont think you can pay for it.

The guy says, Youre right. I dont have any money, but if I show you something you havent seen before, will you give me a drink?

The bartender says, Only if what you show me aint risque.

Deal! says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, Youre right. Ive never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano. The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

Money or another miracle else no drink, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says Its a deal. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

Not so, says the guy. The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

There were two statues in the park. One day an angel came down from heaven and spoke to the statues. I have been given the power to grant you 3 hours of life. You may do anything you want. With that the stautes came to life. Since the were male and female, they both ran into some bushes. The angel stood by as the bushes shock and sounds if laughter came from them. After 2 and half hours the statues came out of the bushes with wide smiles. You have another half hour. Is there still something you would like to do? the angel asked. Well do you want to do it again? asked the male statue. Sure replyed the female with a giggle. Only this time you hold the pidgeons and Ill poop on their heads

[ Our priest told this one at last Sunday mornings mass. I dont know what
his source was, though… ]

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why
do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?

I was a nurse at an inner city hospital, she replied. I worked to bring
healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children.

Very noble, said St. Peter. You may enter. And in through the Gates
she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, So, what did you used to do?

I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin, she replied.
For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who
tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand
of healing and peace, and with the message about Gods love.

How touching, said St. Peter. You, too, may enter. And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, So, what did you used to
do back on Earth?

After some hesitation, she explained, I was just a nurse at an HMO.

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, Ok, you may enter, too.

Whew! said the nurse. For a moment there, I thought you werent going to
let me in.

Oh, you can come in, said St. Peter, but you can only stay for three days!

She pulled over so she could watch it turn

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor, I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Yes, I think so.

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.

…….Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

…….Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.

Dark?

Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer.