This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90:
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
I was only going 40! the driver protested.
Not according to my radar, the trooper said.
Yes, I was! the man shouted back.
No you werent! the trooper said.
With that, the mans wife leaned toward the window and said, Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when hes been drinking.
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husbands clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said: Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
Whats the matter? asked his wife. Did I hurt you?
No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
Tocan a la puerta, y la dueña de la casa ordena:
MarÃa, abre la puerta y me dices quien es.
La criada se dirige a abrir la puerta y tarda una eternidad. Como a la media hora regresa.
MarÃa, ¿por qué tardaste tanto? Dime quien tocó la puerta.
Un testÃculo, siño
¡Cómo que un testÃculo!
SÃ, un testÃculo, desos que andan con un librito abajo del brazo, siño.
No, MarÃa, no se llaman testÃculos son Testigos de Jehová; no seas grosera…
Pues por eso, siñora, testÃculo ya ve que esos se quieren meter a güevo.
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.
Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?
A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt
realized it yet.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
What do they call Clintons zipper?
The U.S. Open