Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing.
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing! Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday. The doctor thinks for a minute and says, Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function.
One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll.
The first drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having; the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face.
When asked about it by his buddies he says, I thought I was doing great until I bit her on the tit, she let a fart and flew out the window!
Youre so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, “4th bottle to the left.”
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS
The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.
Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.
The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.
We dont have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we dont have oceans on Guam.
Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because its too cold there.
The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds – they are intelligent.
We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.
The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
Having gone to his secretarys apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. My God! he shouted, My wife is going to kill me!
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. Honey! he began, Dont pay the ransom. I escaped!
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: How much for the bronze rat? $12 for the rat, $100 for the story, says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. Ill just take the rat, you can keep the story.
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.
Ah ha, says the owner, you have come back for the story?
No, says the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.
You might be a redneck if…
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Q: Whats the definition of strain?
A: Teeth marks in the toilet seat!
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldnt stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.