Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?
The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.
So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?
No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.
In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.
So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.
The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.
Why? asketh the Lord.
Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.
Lab Reports
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isnt it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. Itll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints Oh no you dont! whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: Youre in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but
theres no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each
day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the
following practice exercises, you will be totally
prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of your
strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the
door for good measure. Hold that position for five
seconds (while you hold your breath).
Repeat again,
in case the first time wasnt effective enough.
Exercise 2:
go into your garage and when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and
repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight.Strip to the
waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet
next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about
when you go for your Mammogram!
An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this
co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected
the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of
Europe.
Oh thats nothing, says the Englishman, You should have seen
the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!
An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large
sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady
and places the sack on the counter.
I want to open a fucking savings account! the man grunts.
I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers, she replied, offended.
Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account.
Im sorry, but you just cant speak that way.
The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation.
She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she
decided to handle the situation herself.
How can I help you? she asked, all smiles.
Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!
I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language.
Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter.
What is the matter here? he asked.
Look, replied the customer, I just won 47 million dollars in the
lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the
cash in.
Are these two bitches giving you trouble? quickly replied the
manager.
President George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?
The barman says, Yep, thats them.
So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys
doing in here?
Bush says, Were planning WW III.
And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?
Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big
tits.
The guy exclaimed, A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, smart ass?! I
told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is the Ark? Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully. No, said the Lord sadly, The government already has!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!