A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
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Dec
12
Dec
Excerpted From Herb Caens column in the San Francisco Chronicle,
Monday, April 8, 1991.
Quoted without permission: [Ed: which is OK in short excerpts or the
reporting of facts only.]
TALKSHOW: KQED radio announced a few days ago that due to lack of
funding, it was canceling its Perspectives commentaries. Next
morning, Doug Edwards was checking the call-in tape for listener
reaction and came across this from a women on her car phone: My
name is Julia. Longtime listener. Im very upset that youre canceling
Perspectives and Im considering canceling my support. Please
reinstate –, followed by the sound of squealing brakes, a crash,
shattering glass, and Julia yelling Oh s…, youve made me so mad
I just rear-ended the f…er in front of me. Have to go now. Click.
Poor Julia. Funds were restored, and Perspectives is back on the air.
[KQED is a listener supported public radio station.]
11
Dec
You think mud rasslin should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
11
Dec
Un chico cumplÃa 16 años; el padre le da unos $50 para que vaya con una prostituta. El muchacho iba en camino, pero al pasar enfrente de la casa de su abuela decide visitarla.
Hola, abu, ¿qué haces?
Todo bien, nietito. ¿Vos donde ibas?
Papá me dio $50 para que debute.
Hagamos una cosa nieto: vos podes debutar conmigo y nos repartimos la plata, ¿qué te parece?
El adolescente acepta. Al otro dÃa se encuentra con su padre y éste le reclama:
¡No te voy a perdonar que te hayas cogido a mi madre!
¡Vos te coges a la mÃa todos los dÃas y yo no te digo nada!, replica el joven.
11
Dec
Un hombre muere y va al cielo. Se encuentra con San Pedro y San Pedro le dice:
Amigo, todavÃa no era su tiempo de morir, asà es que le daré 5 dÃas extra para regresar a la tierra, pero tendrá que regresar en forma de animal, asà es que, escoja…
El hombre se pone a pensar y dice: Gallina, eso estarÃa bien… comer maÃz, dormir de 5 a 5 en paja deliciosa, no tener problemas con otros animales, Gallina quiero!
Asà es que ¡pum!, San Pedro lo convierte en Gallina.
El tipo se encuentra feliz y tranquilo cacareando aquà y allá, pescando granos de maÃz del suelo y piensa para sà mismo: Buena decisión!.
En la noche, el granjero empuja a las gallinas a la granja y este tipo se busca un montoncito de paja a gusto. Se sienta y piensa para sà mismo: Buena decisión!
A las 5 de la mañana, el granjero patea la puerta que retumba, agarra la primera gallina de la fila, la levanta, no hay huevos, le arranca el cuello, sale cuello por un lado, cuerpo por el otro. La segunda gallina, un par de huevos, la deja en paz. La tercera gallina, no hay huevos, -ya sabemos que pasa- y el tipo empieza a sudar frÃo porque debajo de su cuerpo no hay huevos, y dice: ¡Ay, en la madre! y empieza a pujar rezando: ¡Por favor, un huevo, Dios, un huevo!, puja, puja y puja.
En eso, su mujer le dice:
¡Despiértate, que te estás cagando en la cama!
11
Dec
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 Oclock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldnt jump, and the redhead replied, Ill take that bet! Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said, I cant take this, youre my friend.
The blonde said, No. A bets a bet. You won the money.
So the redhead said, Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 Oclock news, so I cant take your money.
The blonde replied,… Well, so did I, but I never thought hed jump again!
11
Dec
A female student shows up during a young professors office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading…
I would do anything to pass the exam.
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers I mean…, I would do…. anything!!!.
He returns her gaze. Anything???
Oh yes she said, anything!
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said Would you….. Study?
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Dec
Q. – How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?
A. – Put velcro on the ceiling.
11
Dec
SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …
… (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
[Thanks to Mary Campbell]
11
Dec
Little Johnny was in church with him mom forSunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous."Mom, I think Im going to throw up!"She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face."Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?""I didnt have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.