Old and New Jokes

A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it,he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

Guaranteed like hell he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes,and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me! Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business! The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day theres a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her that reads, If you catch me, you can have me. Hes out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does,it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best hes ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight,on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs as promised!!!!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50lb.program!! Are you sure? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous programme…

Absolutely, he replies. I havent felt this good in years!

The next day theres a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads: If I catch you, I can have you!

Quoted from Unix World, November, 1989:

The grim reality is that every life ends with a death. Funeral homes
exist to make that fact a little more tolerable. … UNIX can help
here, too. The Gordon Funeral Chapel, for instance, does much of its
accounting on an AT class, multiuser machine running XENIX. …

. .. For example, Gordon says his system has to be able to classify two
kinds of customer, at-need, those who are actually deceased, and
pre-need, those who have made arrangements for funerals while still
living. Moreover, the system has to be able to convert one kind of
customer to the other as the need arises…

The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.

One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.

He radioed a base hospital:

Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?

A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:

Give it to the Marines. Theyll drink anything.

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home.

Estados Unidos y Colombia querían demostrar cuál de los dos países era más fuerte y decidieron hacer una pelea entre perros para averiguarlo.

Estados Unidos lleva un perro Rottwailer muy musculoso y Colombia se presenta a la competencia con un perro Salchicha.

Cuando comienza la pelea, el Rottwailer es rápidamente derrotado por el Salchicha colombiano. Entonces uno de los gringos exclama:

Oh no, no puedo creer esto ¿Con toda la plata que le metimos a este perro en el entrenamiento y todo?

Y el colombiano le contesta:

¿Y usted cuánta plata cree que le metimos en cirugías plásticas a ese cocodrilo?

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street and see a twenty dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. Guess who picks it up?



The dumb blonde – The other two dont exist.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.



The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.



The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

It was this little girls first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I dont think thats your name you need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principals office and he asked, "Whats your name?" And the little girl said, Happy Butt." The principal called the girls mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your names is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" whats the difference?