Old and New Jokes

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and thats how I want to go.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.

Where theres a will, I want to be in it!

Most Romantic/Passionate/Sweet Things

To Do For Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend

(101 steps to having a good relationship)

Watch the sunset together.
Take showers together.
Back rubs/massages.
Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark or w/ blacklight.
French Kiss.
Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt.
Whisper to each other.
Cook for each other.
Skinny dip.
Make out in the rain.
Dress each other.
Undress each other.
Kiss every part of their body.
Hold hands.
Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each other: not sex)
One word: Foreplay
Sit and talk in just underwear.
Buy gifts for each other.
Roses.
Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time youre together.
Wear his clothes.
Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars.
Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make for great cuddling/sex.
Kiss at every chance you get.
Dont wear underwear and let them find out.
Kinky is bad: Blindfolds are good.
Lightly kiss their collarbone and their jawbone just below the ear, then whisper I love you.
Bubble baths.
Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
Make love.
Write poetry for each other.
Kiss/smell her hair.
Hugs are the universal medicine.
Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
Tell her that shes the only girl you ever want. Dont lie.
Spend every second possible together.
Tell her that she doesnt have to do anything she doesnt want to. And mean it.
Look into each others eyes.
Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
Talk to each other using only body language and your eyes.
When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
Walk behind her and put your hands in her front pockets.
Put love notes in their pockets when they arent looking.
Clothes are no fun.
Buy her a ring.
Keep one of her bras somewhere where you see it everyday.
Sing to each other.
Read to each other.
PDA: Public Display of Affection.
Take advantage of any time alone together.
Tell her about how you answered every question in math with her name.
Draw. (If you can)
Let her sit on your lap.
Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or on a mountain.
Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and fingers, and cheeks, and collarbones, and hands, and ears.
Kiss her stomach.
Always hold her around her hips/sides.
Guys like half-shirts.
Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
Spaghetti (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
Unless you can feel their hear beating, you arent close enough.
Dance together.
Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make love.
I love the way a girl looks right after shes fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
Carry her to bed.
Waterbeds are fun.
You figure it out.
Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
Break every one of your parents relationship rules for them.
Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few hours.
Ride home and call them.
Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
Somehow incorporate them into any kind of religion or worship you have.
Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points)
Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not necessarily sexual)
Brush her hair out of her face for her.
Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be sweet to them.
Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points)
Go to church/pray/worship together.
Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night.
Learn from each other and dont make the same mistake twice.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
Make sacrifices for each other.
Really love each other, or dont stay together.
Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in love, etc. and give it to them.
Let there never be a second during any given day that you arent thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
Love yourself before you love anyone else.
Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
Sleep naked together.
Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, Sweet dreams.

Woman was created from the rib of man; Not from his head to be thought of only, nor from his hand to be owned, nor from his foot to be beneath, but from under his arm to be protected, from his side to be equal, and from his heart to be loved…

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.The old man couldnt believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.This went on and on until finally the old man couldnt take it any more since he hadnt caught a thing all this time.He went to the boy and said, Son, Ive been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?The boy responded, Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.What was that? the old man asked.Again the boy responded, Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.Look, said the old man, I cant understand a word you are saying.So, the boy spit into his hand and said, You have to keep the worms warm!

10. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?9. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.8. Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, its good for another week.7. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. Ill be glad to feed and walk him every day.6. That outfit isnt sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.5. Why dont you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.4. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. Its not like Im running a prison around here.3. Dont clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look like crap. 2. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?1. Naw, you dont have to call me, Ill eventually figure it out if youre in trouble.

God summons Pat Buchanan, Nelson Mandela and Shimon Peres. He promises to grant each of them one wish.

Mandela says, Id like all of the black people in America who aredescendants of slaves to return to their African homeland.

No problem, answers God.

Peres says, I want all of the Jews in the Diaspora to come to the Land of Israel and make it their home.

Its done, says God. Pat, youre next. Whats your wish?

Buchanan looks around at Mandela and Peres and asks God, Did those two guys really get their wishes?

Of course, says God.

Well in that case, says Buchanan, just gimme a Diet Coke.

Whats the matter little boy? said old Fred when he saw the young lad sitting on the kerb crying.

Im crying because I cant do what the big boys do, said young Wilf.

The old man sat on the kerb and started crying too.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masterbate with one hand?

A: Because she needs to other one to moan.

The farmer was out working in his field, about a half mile from his house.

In the distance, he sees his six year old son running to him. When the son arrives, he tells his father that a preacher has showed up unannounced. The father asks his son which local preacher it is. The son responds that he hasnt seen him before.

The farmer tells his son that he has a little more work to do before he can head back to the house.

He tells his son to go back to the house and ask the preacher if he is a Methodist. If he says yes, then go hide the fried chicken that his mom is making.

If the preacher says he is a Protestant, then the son is to go hide his moonshine.

If the preacher says that he is a Baptist, the son is to sit on his mothers lap until he gets there!