19
Sep

Before Lightning Strikes…

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop drinking!

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking AND cussing!

Still nothing … and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

19
Sep

Mickey: No Divorce From Minnie

The judge said to Mickey I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy and Mickey said, I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin Goofy!

19
Sep

What A Party!

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, What the hell happened?

As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, replied the wife.

Piss on him, answered the husband. You did, said the wife, and he fired you. Well, fuck him, said the husband. I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

19
Sep

Osamas Afterlife Surprise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind, You wanted to end the Americans
liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the
Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a
large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke,
James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American revolutionaries. As he
writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back
toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies, I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you. What did you think I said?

19
Sep

The Truth about Contract Bidding

Bidding – Additional Requirements

Section 1A – The Truth

The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding
requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we dont
think looks good here is null and void. If you know whats good for
you, youd read this real close (meaning the contractor).

1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and
specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one
hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and
specifications, but nobody can think of everything.

Once your bid is in – thats it, brother. From then on, anything
wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except
the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied
and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody,
but himself (meaning the contractor).

1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the contractor, then the
work will be took down and did again until the extra expense to the
contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.

1.3 Our engineers plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed
wrong, it shall be discovered by the contractor, corrected, and did
right at no extra expense to us. It wont cut no ice with us or our
engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If
you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work
for us or him (meaning the engineer).

1.4 The contractor is not supposed to make fun of our engineer, his
plans, or the kind of work were having did. If he does, its
just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).

1.5 Any contractor walking around the jobs with a smile on his face is
subject to the review of his bid.

1.6 If the contractor dont find all our engineers mistakes before
he bids the job, or if the contractor aint got enough sense to know
that our engineer is going to think up a bunch of new stuff thats
going to have to be did before the job is complete, then its just too
bad for him (meaning the contractor).

18
Sep

Una madre orgullosa y

Una madre orgullosa y contenta con su hijo que jugaba beisbol, le gritaba:

¡Batea Coné! ¡Corre Coné! ¡Lanza Coné!

Llenas de curiosidad, las amigas fanáticas le preguntaron que de donde salió el nombre de su hijo.

Ella les explicó que al inscribirlo al registro demográfico el funcionario a cargo se resistió a inscribirlo Iduardo, como ella quería.

Cada vez que ella le decía que se llamaria Iduardo, él le contestaba: ¡Coné, Coné, Coné!

18
Sep

Knock Knock Whos there? Olive! Olive who? Olive none

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive none of your lip!

18
Sep

Knock Knock Whos there? Deena! Deena who? Deena hear

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deena!
Deena who?
Deena hear me the first time!

18
Sep

Its always the wrong time

Its always the wrong time of the month.

18
Sep

Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)