A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, We have an opening for people like you.
Oh, great, he said, What is it?
Its called the door!
10
Dec
10
Dec
Two men were talking.One said: Id love to be casseroled by a redhead.Whats that mean? his puzzled friend said, Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time.The first man shrugged. Exactly. he replied.
10
Dec
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, Man! How many bars do you work at?
09
Dec
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited
09
Dec
Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated by (10 000/n) where n = place in succession list.
09
Dec
She was so blonde…
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of walk and dont walk.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, youd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under education on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says sign here, she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, shed probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test… and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
09
Dec
Un hombre iba salir pero no sabÃa si irse a pie o irse en guagua. Si se iba a pie no pasaba nada, pero si se iba en guagua tenÃa dos opciones: encontrar asiento o irse parado.
Si no se sentaba no pasaba nada, pero si sentaba tenÃa dos opciones: sentarse al lado de un hombre o de una mujer.
Si se sentaba al lado de un hombre no pasaba nada, pero si sentaba con una mujer tenÃa dos opciones: entablar conversación o no.
Si no hablaban no pasaba nada, pero si hablaban tenÃa dos opciones: que se casaran o que no se casaran.
Si no se casaban no pasaba nada, pero si se casaban tenÃa dos opciones: mudarse a un primer piso o a un segundo piso.
Si se mudaban a la primera planta no pasaba nada, pero si se mudaban a la segunda planta tenÃa dos opciones: tirarse o no.
Si no se tiraba no pasaba nada, pero si se tiraba tenÃa dos opciones: irse al cielo o al infierno.
Si iba al cielo no pasaba nada, pero si iba al infierno tenÃa dos opciones: que hiciera mucho frÃo o que hiciera demasiado calor.
Si hacÃa mucho frÃo no pasaba nada, pero si hacÃa demasiado calor tenÃa dos opciones: beberse una Coca Cola o un 7-Up.
Si bebÃa Coca Cola no pasaba nada, pero si tomaba 7-Up… ¡La diferencia es clara!
09
Dec
Satélite nuestro que estás en el cielo,
acelerado sea tu link.
Venga a nosotros tu hipertexto.
Hágase tu conexión,
asà en lo real como en lo virtual.
Danos hoy nuestro download de cada dÃa.
Perdona el café sobre el teclado,
asà como nosotros perdonamos las malas conexiones de nuestro servidor.
No nos dejes caer la conexión
y lÃbranos, Monitor, de todo los virus.
Amén.
09
Dec
Q: Why dont birds wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces
09
Dec
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.
His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.
They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boys math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.
His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. Was it better teaching they asked and the boy said No the teachers are about the same. Was it a different text book? Again the boy said No it is the same text book
Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.
Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign.