After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.
Welcome to Heaven, said St.Peter. Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, weve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and were not really sure what to do with you, so what were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.
With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with – and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. Now its time to spend a day in heaven, he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her and asked her to choose.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, Well, I never thought Id say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell. So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
I dont understand, stammered the woman, yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.
The Devil looked at her and smiled. Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today youre staff.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat
his back.
In the Jetsons, there are still no [ethnic] people…
The future looks bright, doesnt it?
There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, "Whats the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable." Bill said, "Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him, "that mustve been terrible!" "It was," he said, "all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…"
Two men were busy boasting to each other. The first said, I can get in my truck first thing in the morning and drive all day before I reach the other side of my property.
The second guy replied, I used to have a truck like that, too!
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
Wow, thats colder than mine!said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.
Fidel Castro, desesperado ante la situación de Cuba, se sienta en la Plaza de la Revolución y se dirige a la estatua de MartÃ:
Por favor, MartÃ, ayúdame a resolver el problema de mi paÃs.
Y al rato siente una mano que le toca el hombro y le dice: Si quieres que te ayude traeme un caballo.
Fidel, asustado, sale corriendo y le hace el cuento a su hermano Raúl, el cual quiere comprobarlo por sus propios ojos y acompana a fidel a donde se encuentra la estatua de MartÃ. Fidel repite su pedido y al poco rato Martà le contesta:
Te dije que me trajeras un caballo, no un burro.