Old and New Jokes

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only deader.

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
Farmer Bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off womans leg helps nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in 84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isnt settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the days lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

Mr. Goldblatt, announced little Joey, theres somethin I cant figure out.

Whats that Joey? asked Mr. Goldblatt.

Well accordin to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?

Right.

An the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?

Er — right.

An the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?

Again youre right.

An the Children of Israel fought the gyptians, an the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an the Children of Israel wuz always doin somethin important, right?

All that is right, too, agreed Mr. Goldblatt. So whats your question?

What I wanna know is this, asked Joey, What wuz the grown-ups doin all that time?

Source: Passed to me by a colleague in at the WA Dept. of Info. Services

Q. What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?

A. A lawyer with morals.

How do you get a one-armed nufie out of a tree? Wave!

How do you get a two-armed nufie out of a tree? Wave both hands!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Curry!
Curry who?
Curry me back home will you!

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : – A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself… It does come from the mathematician Goedel – partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)

En una ocasión, los animales se reunieron con la madre naturaleza para pedirle cuentas por sus defectos.

Primero comenzó el elefante: Madre naturaleza, estoy muy enojado porque tengo la trompa y las orejas muy grandes.

Te hice las orejas grandes para que puedas oír mejor y la trompa larga para que te puedas alimentar mejor.

Es el turno de la jirafa y ésta cuestiona: Madre naturaleza ¿por qué tengo el cuello tan largo?

Para que puedas alcanzar las mejores hojas de los árboles y puedas alimentarte mejor.

En su oportunidad, el búho pregunta: Madre naturaleza ¿por qué tengo los ojos tan grandes?

Como tú no puedes ver bien de día, son para que puedas ver mejor de noche y no choques con los árboles.

Todos los animales se iban muy contentos con las respuestas recibidas, hasta que le tocó el turno a la gallina:

A mí no vengas con esa mierda, o me haces el culo más grande, o los huevos más chiquitos.