Old and New Jokes

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You dont have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) Its O.K. when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now youll still enjoy candy.

4) If you dont like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesnt matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, thats him, he replied.

The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

Because the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

One day OLeary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

Paddy my friend, he said. Im going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.

No problem, replied Paddy. You go an have a good time.

So the next day OLeary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. Everythings ok over here, Paddy said.

Except youre cat. Its dead!

oly ell, replied OLeary. You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!

What do you mean?, replied Paddy.

Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic, explained OLeary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day OLeary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

All right OLeary, he said. Everythings ok here, except your ma –

Shes climbed the tree and refuses to come down!

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell naughty stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. Young ladies, said the professor with a broad smile, the next plane doesnt leave till tomorrow afternoon.

How are men like noodles?

Theyre always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, Is this what you get paid for ? I told him, Nope ! I do this for free.

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. I couldnt resist and added a note: And now you know why too.

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, Yeah, how does this thing work ? I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, Any questions ? She said, Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? Whens the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they dont have enuff time to do all their work.

Llega un político a un pueblo a ofrecer un discurso en su campaña política y empieza:

He venido, acudido o llegado hasta esta entidad, población o municipio con el fin, objetivo o meta de platicar, dialogar o conversar con un grupo, asociado o conjunto de personas, individuos o civiles que forman un círculo, circunferencia o rueda y digo círculo para personas de medio entender, circunferencia para personas de mucho entender y rueda para aquel borrachín que ni me ve, ni me oye, ni me escucha…

En eso, el temulento se levanta y lo interrumpe:

Momento, alto, stop, rojo, detente. No por el hecho, acontecimiento o suceso de haber bebido, ingerido o tomado algunas copas de vino, licor o cerveza vaya usted a tacharme de una persona neófita, inculta o prosaica. ¡Por lo mismo, tanto o consecuente vaya, diríjase o acuda usted a chingar, joder o perjudicar a su tutelar, madre o progenitora!

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, Well, then, let it read, Billy Bob died.



Amused at the womans thrift, the editor says, Sorry maam, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.



Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for sale.

A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive. He got an Instructor and started lessons. The Instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The Instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The red neck understood and was ready.

The time came for the redneck to jump from the plane. The instuctor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, while franticly trying to get his parachute open, dropped like a brick right past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his own parachute, So you wanna race, huh?