Old and New Jokes

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

A: Theyve both swallowed a lot of seamen.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. Well, darling, said her mom, how was the honeymoon?

Oh, mother, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff Id never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… Youve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MOTHER!

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey, the mother countered, WHAT 4-letter words?

I cant tell you, mother, said the daughter, theyre too awful! COME GET ME, _P_L_E_A_S_E_ !!!

Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell mother the 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother… its just terrible. Words like DUST… WASH… IRON… COOK.

Thanx to Anne Park.

Excerpt from an article by Mike Nichols of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram
concerning the photo of a very pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of
Vanity Fair:

The photo … tweaks our cultural ambivalence about nudity.
Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and
firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and report:
Theres a naked person outside!

This has been forwarded so many times, I can no longer tell who deserves credit
for compiling these in the first place.

Why wouldnt an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
–V.P. D.Q.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
–V.P. D.Q.

Mars is essentially in the same orbit… somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
–V.P. D.Q.

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
–V.P. D.Q.,
Hawaii, September 1989

What a terrible thing to have lost ones mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
–V.P. D.Q. winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
–V.P. D.Q., to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces Pogo Pogo.

Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was an obscene period in our nations history.
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant this centurys
history and added a confusing comment. We all lived in this century,
I didnt live in this century, he said.
–V.P. D.Q.

We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
–V.P. D.Q.

El Salvador is a democracy so its not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans… I have heard a
single voice.
–V.P. D.Q.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy–but that could change.
–V.P. D.Q.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is to be prepared.
–V.P. D.Q.

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
–V.P. D.Q., to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990

Its rural America. Its where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
–V.P. D.Q.

Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments –
which are the key–that is what gets money into the farmers hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
–V.P. D.Q. on being asked to
define the term target prices.
Quayles press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
–V.P. D.Q.

I want to be Robin to Bushs Batman.
–V.P. D.Q.

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in Red Storm Rising.
–V.P. D.Q.

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
–V.P. D.Q. Referring to Latin America.

Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. Thats a statement in and of itself.
–V.P. D.Q.

Who would have predicted… that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
–V.P. D.Q.
(Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.)

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
–The Quayles 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
–V.P. D.Q. referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear,
but its still funny]

…getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
–V.P. D.Q. referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missiles

I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
–V.P. D.Q. addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant,1988

[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
–V.P. D.Q. during the Bentson debate

Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President–and
I will be–there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, Im not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. Im going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
–V.P. D.Q. when asked what he
would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988

Lookit, Ive done it their way this far and now its my turn. Im
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me … Theres not going to be any more
handler stories because Im the handler … Im Doctor Spin.
–V.P. D.Q. responding to press reports
his aides having to, in effect, potty train him.

I would guess that theres adequate low-income housing in this
country.
–V.P. D.Q.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
–V.P. D.Q.

The real question for 1988 is whether were going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the–to the back!
–V.P. D.Q.

We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Well let the sun shine in and shine on us, because today were
happy and tomorrow well be even happier.
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Were going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
–V.P. D.Q.

This election is about whos going to be the next President of the
United States!
–V.P. D.Q., 1988

Dont forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. Were not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.

Ive been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. Im very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. Its one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.

I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family–which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be … The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, Im often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
–V.P. D.Q.

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isnt all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I dont want to miss the 4 oclock ball game!

Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering ditto. And they dont do anything in the first place.

Se encuentran dos habitantes de Tontilandia en la calle y uno venía caminando con las piernas arqueadas…

¿Hola, que tal?

Bien, pero ayer fui al medico y me dijo que tenía el colesterol muy alto.

¿Qué tiene que ver el colesterol con caminar de esa forma?

Es que me dijo el médico que los huevos ni tocarlos.

Whats worse than having your doctor tell you that you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?

Having your dentist tell you!

I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog (This catalog is yours to keep.
Please take it with you!) recently. Quoted without permission:

GOPHER-IT

Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents
with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration
and sound thats intensely annoying to underground rodents
up to 100 feet in diameter.

Requires 4 D batteries, not included.

#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)

I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the
nuclear powered version.