Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andys wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the miracle products, she asks her husband – Darling, honestly, if you didnt know me, what age would you say I am?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…

Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty five.

Oh, you flatterer! she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…

WHOA, hold on there sweety! Andy interrupted.

I havent added them up yet!

Love, you cant start it like a car, you cant stop it with a gun. – George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. – Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

Id like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. – Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. – Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women dont gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we dont have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, womens total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. – Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. – Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. – Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. – Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. Its the same with husbands. – Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. – Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution. – Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. – Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each others character before marriage, which is never advisable. – Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? – Virginia Woolf

Early TV news (late 1940s – early 1950s) was highly experimental, broadcast live, and plagued with unforeseen on-the-air foul-ups.

David Brinkley writes in his new autobiography, David Brinkley – A Memoir, of a particular incident he endured in the pre-Huntley days – one of those things you can laugh at later, but seems like a nightmare when its happening. (Printed without permission:)

One of Brinkleys first regularly-scheduled NBC TV news reports was five minutes of air time at 6:00 p.m. filled with scraps of film gathered during the day by a single cameraman, George Johnson, a nice young man totally inexperienced and untrained in journalism, working with a handheld, spring-wound silent-film camera, a Bell and Howell Filmo, wandering alone around Washington during the day looking for something, anything, to put on the air that night.

Whatever he brought in was broadcast while I sat in a tiny studio out of sight of the audience looking at a television screen and narrating film I had never seen before.

Rehearsals? There weret any.

While the film ran, I talked behind it, an engineer somewhere else in the building played background music from a phonograph record.

Background music? Yes, we still thought we were doing newsreels and they always had music, didnt they? Yes, of course. Predictably, this messy procedure brought to the screen some perfectly terrible programs.

This was the worst: One day, George Johnson brought in four small film stories. When they were spliced together, the first in line was a funeral of a departed dignitary in Arlington cemetery.

The second and third stories I have forgotten. The fourth was about some kind of experiment with sheep at an Agriculture Department station in nearby Maryland. The film was delivered to the control room to be threaded into the projector. It was threaded in, but backward.

Nobody noticed. At 6:00 p.m., the projector started, and somewhere down the hall an engineer started the music. What went out on the air was sonorous, funereal music suitable for a burial in Arlington while on the screen was a picture of a sheep upside down.

I sat, stunned and confused, in the little studio looking at and listening to this mess and wondering what in Gods name I could do or say.

Nothing, as it turned out. Looking at an upside-down sheep I could do or say nothing but keep quiet and let it run out to the finish. But others said it for me. For years after, people on the streets and in elevators asked me, You ever get that sheep back on its feet?

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!

What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?

An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
You cant be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.

Well, says the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for the job then.

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.
Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

I tried to shoot her but I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied, you dont have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.

Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.

The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,

You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.

Q: What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator, he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

The new Mens Thesaurus – on sale now at your local book stores!:

IM GOING FISHING

Means: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING

Means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Means: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR…

Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Means: I have no idea how it works.

I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.

Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Means: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Means: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.

Means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely

clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Means: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

Means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

Means: Please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.

Means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he used the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services! So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Remover button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.