Old and New Jokes

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

An 80-year old man walks into the doctors office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling? Great, says the old man. I have an 18-year old wife, and shes pregnant with my child. The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam!! The beaver falls dead to the ground.What?! cries the old man. Why thats impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver.Exactly, says the doctor.

A lecturer at a medical college asked a colleague to help him with a shenanigan. He explained that he was shortly conducting a tour for prospective students, during which they would be coming down to the vaults to get their first look at a corpse. The idea was that his friend would play the corpse, and when his drawer was opened and the visitors were examining he would suddenly jump to his feet, thereby scaring the life out of them.

The friend agreed, and at the appointed hour the lecturer loaded him into the cold storage unit.

It was only when he was inside that he realized that the storage unit was not divided into individual cubicles. Instead, each slab was suspended on rails in a large open chamber, and he was surrounded by corpses on all sides.

After a few minutes he found the whole thing a bit too creepy, and he began hesitantly to call out things like, Errm, Dave… maybe this wasnt such a good idea after all… dyou think you could let me out, Ive changed my mind… Are you listening? … Is There Anyone Out There? … HEELLLOOO…, HELP???!!!

Whereupon the body on the slab next to him leaned over, tapped him on the shoulder and, in a deep voice, said, Would you keep the noise down, theres people in here trying to sleep!

Naturally he screamed, and started hammering to be let out. Finally the drawer was opened and his slab was pulled out. He leapt off into the outside room… where most of the faculty were waiting for him, having been listening outside the whole time.

Sardarji is sitting on a tree branch and sawing it.

A passerby warns him Sardarji, youre gonna fall down! Hardly, says he and falls.
Then he looks after the passer-by and mumbles Must have been a wizard.

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didnt work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didnt follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, well give him one more try. Well throw him in the air one more time and if he doesnt fly, were taking him back to the store!”

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad. And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw this and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Mans health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, Do I look fat?

And the Devil said, Always tell the truth.

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this!

Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasnt certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

What do you call a lawyer who doesnt know the law?
A judge.