Old and New Jokes

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? Way to go team!

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid
no one would have him. In fact, he couldnt bring himself to tell his
fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she
bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying
was, Darling, Ive got a big surprise for you, at which she blushed and
smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last
alone in their hotel room. Now dont forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise, said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wifes hand on the stump.

Hmmmmm, she said softly, that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and Ill see what I can do!

This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to
tell him the dream she had the night before. Honey, I dreamed I was at a
cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size
cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50.

Say, was mine in the auction? the man inquires a bit anxiously.

Honey, yours wouldve been too big to get in the door.

A couple of days later theyre lying in bed again, and the man says,
You wouldnt believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction.
There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds.

Well, did you see mine? she asks.

Baby, he says, the auction was IN your pussy!

– Steve DiPirro

Dos yernos se encuentran y uno de ellos llora desmedidamente:

¿Por qué lloras?, pregunta el otro.

Llevé a mi suegra al medico, tiene cancer y dice que sólo le quedan 30 días de vida… snif… snif…

Tranquilo, tómalo con calma concuño, treinta días pasan pronto.

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

A rather inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a childs toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

“Im from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.

“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, thatshow I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I dont see any shelter.”

“To be honest, Ive just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“Its not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, thanks,” said the man. “One morecoconut juice and Ill throw up!”

“It wont be coconut juice,” the womanreplied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the manaccepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchangedstories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was cleanshaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if youd like to shave, theres arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered — not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom — and went back downstairs. He couldnt help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

“You look great,” said the woman. “I think Ill go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “Weve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Havent you been lonely, too… isnt there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now…?”

“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something Ive wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just… well, it was impossible.”

“Well, its not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean… you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that theyd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wifes room.
After a few minutes the womans monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. What happened!? they cried. The husband said, Im not sure – I think maybe she choked.

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Arent you Moses?" But the man wouldnt listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, Arent you Moses? The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the mans arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me — Arent you Moses?" The man replies, "Im not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

its 2 biggest stars

Two priests were going toHawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearinganything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, theyheaded for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning, they wentto the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldnt help butstare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father,""Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, thenpassed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day theywent back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits — so loud, youcould hear them before you even saw them — and again settled on the beach in their chairsto enjoy the sunshine.After a while, the samegorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (Theywere glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning,Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.One of the priests couldntstand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, andproud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?""Oh Father, dont yourecognize me? Im Sister Angelica."